Birdbrains by Thom Bluemel

Keeping It Real

I call in sick today and Benson is suspicious. Whatever. I sit at my computer and flip the switch, bringing the blank monitor to life. The chat room calls. My name is BANE.

SPAZZ is on again. All he can talk about is his divorce and how he hates his wife.

SPAZZ: Is it against the law to hire a hit man? Just kidding.

BANE: I’ve heard of too many cases where a hit man was more trouble than he was worth. Much better to do it yourself. Just kidding.

SPAZZ: Don’t temp me.

BANE: I’m just voicing what you really want to do. Hear me out. If you’re not afraid.

A dog barks. I look out the window. A woman is walking a dog, but it keeps tugging at the leash. She’s using one of those choker collars. The more the mutt yanks at the chain, the tighter it becomes. The dog stops barking and begins gasping for air. The woman continues to jerk the leash, and as they turn the corner out of sight, I can hear the dog’s toenails scraping on the concrete. The scene repulses me and I think about Benson. My jaw begins to clench.

SPAZZ: I don’t think I hate her enough to kill.

BANE: That’s the problem with people. They think too much.

SPAZZ: Okay. How would you do it?

Yeah, I told SPAZZ that people think too much, but some serious thinking was in order to answer this question. I ran a picture through my mind of the perfect murder. Gunshot. Strangling. Stabbing. Explosion. Carbon monoxide. Poison. Not to mention the various methods of torture. The list is endless.

I smile for the first time in weeks.

BANE: Logic and reason are your friends. You can’t afford to be ruled by impulse. Murder is a fine art.

SPAZZ: You sound pretty serious. This is a joke, right?

BANE: Of course. We’re just hypothesizing.

The phone rings. I feel the tension in my neck and back. Sweat begins to bead along my forehead. Caller ID says BENSON. He’s checking up on me. I take a deep breath as I pick up the phone.

“Hello…Mr. Benson?...yes, sir…not too good…I think I might go to the doctor if my fever doesn’t break soon…I should be back to work in a couple of days…I just need some rest…I appreciate your concern, but it’s not necessary…no…I couldn’t trouble you…it’s out of your way…of course you can drop by…if you insist…goodbye, sir.”

Looks like I’ll be having company later. Benson’s making a special trip to see me and he’s bringing the Hamilton file. He thinks I can work on it at home when I start feeling better so I won’t be so far behind. My lucky day. I look at my computer screen. SPAZZ hasn’t missed a beat.

SPAZZ: How exactly would you kill my wife?

BANE: You need to observe her behaviors. What is her daily routine? Where does she go? What does she do? Then you need to establish an alibi. That is very important. A documented phone call or an airplane ticket.

SPAZZ: Seems like an awful lot of trouble.

BANE: Yeah, but the stakes are high in the game of murder. You have to really want this person dead. Nothing else matters. You embrace a perpetual hatred toward the object of your wrath. Your life is meaningless as long as she is alive.

SPAZZ: I guess you’re right.

BANE: It requires commitment and patience. Observations of her behaviors may take weeks. Even months. But in the end it’s worth it.

SPAZZ: What about motive? If you hate someone that much, you’re bound to be the first suspect.

BANE: You’re right. You have to speak well of her in front of others, especially her close friends and associates. In fact, go out of your way to be kind and thoughtful to her. This is all part of the preparation period.

SPAZZ: Hey, you’re good.

BANE: Compliments will get you nowhere.

SPAZZ: The weapon of choice?

BANE: Poison. It’s silent. No fuss. No pain. Easy clean up.

SPAZZ: You give her a martini, or what?

BANE: A dark-colored carbonated beverage works best. Hides the fizz.

SPAZZ: Since we’ve gone this far, how would you dispose of the body?

I thoughtfully stroke my chin. Slicing and dicing is no good. Much more fun but way too messy. Blood everywhere. Incineration is good if you have a fireplace or furnace, however, it would have to be in winter, otherwise it will arouse the curiosity of neighbors.

BANE: Bury it. Preferably in a basement underneath the concrete or in a wall. Like a tomb. You can use chemicals to dry out the body to prevent odor.

SPAZZ: Seems like you have an answer for everything. I’m impressed.

BANE I haven’t mentioned the most important thing.

SPAZZ: What’s that?

BANE: The test comes when they begin to question you about what happened. At this point, you must be very careful. Everything depends on it. Act too upset, they’ve got you. Act too casual, they’ve got you. Be ready for any question. They’re experts. If you can beat them on the psychological level, you’ve won. Keep your story straight. That’s the key. They will have you retell the story over and over, asking different questions each time, trying to trip you up. And they’ll analyze every movement. Every facial expression. Every nuance of speech.

SPAZZ: Congratulations. You’ve committed the perfect murder.

The doorbell rings. It’s Benson with my “homework.”

BANE: Have to sign off now. Talk later.

I log off. As I walk to the door, I smile for the second time in weeks. On the kitchen table are two glasses and a six pack of Coke.

Graveyard Party

(A song parody sung to the tune of "Garden Party")

I went to a graveyard party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share goth memories, and quote Anne Rice again
When I got to the graveyard party, they all knew my name
But I didn’t recognize them, they didn’t look the same

CHORUS
No clove cigarettes, black fingernails or chains
You see, their tattoos said “Hummers Rule,” and they voted for McCain

Goths arrived from miles around, everyone that I knew
But Spider flashed her wedding ring and raved about her “dude”
And sitting on a headstone, scribbling little notes
Crow was on his laptop, checking NASDAQ quotes

CHORUS
No clove cigarettes, black fingernails or chains
You see, their tattoos said “Hummers Rule,” and they voted for McCain

Just as I was leaving, I saw my old girlfriend
Ophelia said, “How are you?” and gently took my hand
Her corpse-like deathly pallor really turned me on
But she just wanted a donation for a Rush Limbaugh telethon

CHORUS
No clove cigarettes, black fingernails or chains
You see, their tattoos said “Hummers Rule,” and they voted for McCain

Tradition

Newlyweds in elevator, embracing and snuggling throughout conversation.

YOUNG WOMAN: Darling, when we get to our new apartment, are you going to carry me over the threshold?

YOUNG MAN: Of course I am, sweetheart. It’s tradition.

Elevator stops. MIDDLE AGED WOMAN and MIDDLE AGED MAN step into the elevator; 40s/50s, nicely dressed. Husband carries a bottle of wine. Young couple moves to the side. MIDDLE AGED MAN pushes button.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN: Why do we have to bring wine to a dinner party?

MIDDLE AGED MAN: You have to bring wine. It’s tradition.

Elevator stops. OLD MAN and OLD WOMAN step into elevator; 60s/70s. They stand at opposite sides with the other two couples in between. OLD WOMAN pushes button.

OLD WOMAN: I can’t believe they didn’t have oatmeal on the menu.

OLD MAN: Who eats oatmeal at a Chinese restaurant?

Elevator stops.

YOUNG MAN: Well, here we are, love muffin. Home sweet home. (Young couple exits).

OLD WOMAN: And I didn’t like what my fortune cookie said. “Live long and prosper.” What in the world does that mean? Is that a crack about my age?

OLD MAN: It’s from “Star Trek.” Sign of the Vulcan.

Elevator stops.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN: Eighteen dollars for a bottle of wine! Unbelievable! (Middle aged couple exits. OLD MAN and OLD WOMAN are alone. Long period of silence.)

OLD WOMAN: What’s the point of the fortune cookie anyway? Tradition?

OLD MAN: No, I don’t think so. It just means the meal is over.

THE END

The Coffee Shop Incident

My friend Abigail and I were having coffee at Starbucks and talking about everything from birthday cakes to chick flicks. We were right in the middle of a personal discussion concerning Abigail's treatment by a rude and obnoxious guest at a recent barbeque picnic, when a man began browsing the newspaper shelf near our table.

The man was standing so close to us we could have combed his hair.While we were talking, we kept looking at him from the corners of our eyes. We were aware that he could hear every word we said. I signaled to Abigail to stop talking so we just sat there in silence waiting for the guy to leave. He didn't. At least not right away.

The silence was so great that Abigail couldn't stand it and asked me, "So, have you been playing the piano lately?"I launched into "piano mode" and rattled off my repertoire, all the while hoping this guy would go away. Finally, he did and we were able to finish our discussion about the boorish behavior of the oaf at the picnic.

Later on, we laughed about the newspaper guy. We thought we should have pulled that stunt in the Seinfeld episode where Elaine, Jerry and George are sitting in the restaurant and a woman is eavesdropping on their conversation. They find out someone's listening to them so Elaine says to George and Jerry: "So you're gay. Who cares? Come out of the closet already."I should have said to Abigail, "So tell me all about your sex change operation."

Coffee Klatch

A One-Minute Play
by Luana Krause

(Cordelia and Phoebe are sitting at kitchen table drinking coffee.)

CORDELIA: So where is he now?

PHOEBE: In the basement.

CORDELIA: The basement? How did you get him down there?

PHOEBE: It wasn’t too difficult. I had so much adrenaline flowing through my body I could have lifted a bulldozer. I wrapped a towel around his head and dragged him by the feet.

CORDELIA: Good idea. The towel, I mean.

PHOEBE: His head still thumped on each step, though. Couldn’t do much about that.

CORDELIA: What time did you…?

PHOEBE: Four-thirty.

CORDELIA: I was watching “Oprah.”

PHOEBE: Yes. We were both watching “Oprah.” Here at your house. Right?

CORDELIA: Right.

PHOEBE: Who was on the show?

CORDELIA: Um…I think it was Nathan Lane.

PHOEBE: Well, was it Nathan Lane or not?

CORDELIA: Yes. I’m sure it was Nathan Lane.

PHOEBE: He’s wonderful. Sorry I missed it.

CORDELIA: Me, too. More coffee?

PHOEBE: Yes, please.

THE END

Quest for the Potato Oles

Some may say it was a coincidence. Others may say it was random luck. But I say it was Divine Intervention.

Saturday I pulled into the drive-through at Taco Johns and ordered a crispy taco, a bean burrito, a small potato oles and a Pepsi. I should have known that Armageddon was right around the corner when this exchange took place at the pay window.

Worker: You ordered the taco and burrito?

Me: Yes. And potato oles and a Pepsi.

Worker (looking at his register): Oles and a Pepsi? Uh…yeah…right. That's $5:10, please.

Sure enough, when I got home, the potato oles were nowhere to be found. I had broken the Cardinal Rule of fast-food drive-through: I failed to check my bag to make sure the order was correct. My bad. I could have driven all the way back to get them, but that’s not my style. I hate confrontation. I would rather be trapped in an elevator and forced to listen to hip-hop music. I was hungry and exhausted; I just wanted to eat my dinner and watch King of the Hill. So...no potato oles for me.

The next day, Sunday, I was driving home after a church council meeting and decided to stop by Taco Johns again for dinner. This time, I was determined to acquire the coveted potato oles.

I saw the long line in the drive-through, so I parked the car and went inside to place my “to-go” order. It was the same as before: crispy taco, bean burrito, small potato oles and a Pepsi. But this time the price was $6:39, a difference of $1.29 from yesterday’s order. I was confused, but went ahead and paid. I don't know why I didn't ask about it right then, but before I could say “taco bravo,” I had already passed the point of no return.

It was then that I realized that my order was already in the "computer" and automatically displayed on a monitor in the kitchen where the workers were furiously filling orders. A spirit of dread filled my soul as I approached the kid at the counter who had taken my order.

Me: Excuse, me what's this? (I showed him my receipt and the initials SPO)

Worker: That's super potato oles.

Me: What are super potato oles?

Worker: A large potato oles with meat and cheese on it.

Me: But I ordered a small potato oles.

Worker: Sorry, I thought you said super potato oles.

Me: No, I just want the small potato oles.

Worker: Are you sure you don’t want the super potato oles?

Me: No, thank you. I’d rather have the small potato oles.

Worker: Uh...okay…

Immediately, beads of sweat appeared on the kid's forehead and his hands started shaking. His face turned white with fear. With great trepidation, he reported the mix-up to the workers in the kitchen. He was Frodo facing the fires of Mount Doom. I heard someone scream at him, "Are you crazy! I don't have time right now! I'll fix it later!" Frodo came back to me and said they would take care of it soon. I had ruined his day…what was left of it, anyway.

In the meantime, I sat at one of the tables to wait for my order. As I observed the huge crowd in the restaurant and the chaos in the kitchen, I knew this wasn't going to be easy: the kid would have to re-calculate my order on the register, give me a refund, and then they'd have to prepare another potato oles…all the while serving the hungry, impatient multitudes.

Next thing I knew, a worker solemnly emerged from the kitchen with two orders of potato oles on a tray, reminiscent of an altar boy bearing the cruets of wine and water at Mass. At first I thought they were for me -- bonus potato oles to atone for the sin of screwing up my order. But, alas, he handed the tray to a family that was waiting nearby.

A few minutes later, a worker found me at my table and handed me my order. I thanked him and looked in the bag. Yep. There they were. The hated super potato oles mocked me, determined to make my life miserable.

Saddened and angered by my misfortune, I asked myself, “What would Hank Hill do?” The answer came to me in an apparition as I stared at the meat-and-cheese-topped super potato oles in my hand. I obeyed the vision. On my way out the door, I threw the horrid spuds in the garbage!

Looking back, I should have given them to another patron. I hate to waste food...but by trashing them, I was hoping to attain a state of stoic indifference to replace my despair and unexpressed rage. I can’t bring myself to yell at people or make a scene in public. EVER! I’ve turned the other cheek so often that I make Mother Teresa (God rest her soul) look like Paris Hilton.

I say that my Taco Johns experience was Divine Intervention because it was two days in a row that I had tried to acquire the Holy Grail, aka the elusive potato oles, and both times I failed. Maybe God was trying to save me from the fat and calories; He probably figured a taco and burrito was all I needed. So, I'm thankful I was spared the discomfort of "over-eating” and the resulting misery. God works in mysterious ways.

I just hope He turns the other way next time. I've got my eye on that "Oreo Spoon-Bender Milk Shake."

Losing Wait

Hubby recently turned fifty-five, that middle-age milestone when you realize that no matter what else happens decaf is here to stay. You also become aware that for the first time in your life, your thirty-something coworkers are calling you “Gramps.”

A sure sign that hubby was beginning his inevitable journey through the Golden Years began five years earlier when he received his first issue of “Retirement Today” magazine, featuring such riveting articles as “When Tennis Elbow Kills.” In addition to this informative periodical, hubby now enjoys the added benefits of senior discounts at movie theatres, department stores and Bubba’s Bistro.

Reflecting on this sad state of affairs, he made the life-altering decision to get a complete physical to assess the damage caused by decades of armchair football. The diagnosis wasn’t surprising. Hubby is fifty pounds overweight, his cholesterol is off the charts and his blood pressure exceeds that of an espresso-addicted monkey. Consequently, the kitchen counter has become a pharmacy with bottles of pills for his various ailments, which include the aforementioned maladies, along with acid reflux, back pain and shin splints.

Following doctor’s orders, hubby undertook a mission to lose weight and get more exercise. Over the years he had tried every diet known to man: Northwest Beach, the Twilight Zone, Cupcake Busters. His favorite was the Gazpacho Jack Daniels Diet; every meal included a bowl of tomato soup with a whiskey chaser.

Despite his failure in the past to lose weight, he was enthusiastic about changing his lifestyle and determined to slim down. His excitement was inspiring. Just the other day at the grocery store I was delighted to see him rounding the corner with a bag of fat-free potato chips and a six-pack of diet root beer.

Hubby had better luck with his exercise regimen, which meant a work out at the gym three times a week. He used the treadmill for aerobics and lifted weights to tone his triceps, biceps and abs. I’m sure there were abs in there somewhere. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But apathy set in about two weeks later and the excuses started flowing like melted butter on corn-on-the-cob. Weak ankles. Blister on toe. Denver Broncos didn’t make the playoffs.

After thirty years of marriage, I’ve learned that hubby needs my encouragement and support if he’s going to achieve a healthy lifestyle. I’m up to the challenge. Maybe an incentive will work. When he loses his first fifteen pounds, we’ll use his senior discount and make a reservation for two at Bubba’s Bistro.

Dinner Talk

Rebecca’s hands tightened into fists and she furiously shook her head, trying to dispel the obsessive thoughts that assailed her daily. She didn’t know that studying for “Jeopardy” would be such a challenge. She had memorized hundreds of facts that were crammed in her head like a box of crayons with every color under the rainbow. Black forest, red velvet, white wine, blue cheese, hash browns. STOP IT! Unable to sleep more than a few hours a night, she was exhausted. This had been going on for weeks; Rebecca wasn’t used to getting such little sleep. Little John, Friar Tuck, Will Scarlett, Maid Marian, Sheriff of Nottingham. KNOCK IT OFF! Offend, runoff, official, offshoot, trade off. NO!

Her friends Zoe and Marla had joined her for dinner to celebrate her being chosen a contestant, and tomorrow Rebecca would be flying to Hollywood. Her greatest fear was that she’d look like a complete idiot. Buffoon, dolt, laughingstock, moron, lunatic. NOT AGAIN! What was she trying to prove, anyway?

Rebecca wiped her hands across her apron as she turned to the pot that was now boiling over. When she was putting the hot pan in the sink, she noticed a movement in the reflection of the window. She turned quickly, but Zoe and Marla were still sitting motionless, right where she’d left them. Rebecca didn’t want them to know how nervous she was about the show, or about the voices. At first, her rambling thoughts only happened when the room was quiet. But now it was getting worse and she had trouble controlling it. She took a deep breath, and with a forced smile, carried the bowl of steaming pasta to the dining room.

“Penne pasta and marinara sauce!” said Marla. “Beck, you’ve outdone yourself this time.”

“I adore your cooking, Cheri. This delightful repast reminds me of a funny story. Have I told it before? I don’t think so. Or have I? No, I’m fairly certain I haven’t. Anyway, when Roger and I were in Paris last summer, we dined at this quaint out-of-the way bistro…”

Rebecca didn’t hear the rest. Her thoughts carried her away into another category. What is the Louvre, Arc de Triomphe, Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, Champs-Elysees?

“…and can you believe it? The waiter forgot the wine!” Zoe finished her story with a dramatic shriek of laughter.

What is Bordeaux, Champagne, Alsace, Burgundy, Roussillon?

Marla chuckled politely for Zoe’s benefit and then glanced in Rebecca’s direction, “Are you okay, Beck? You look a little flushed.”

“I’m fine. Too much wine I guess. How’s the salad?”

“Wonderful,” said Marla.

“Divine,” said Zoe.

“Good. I wanted tonight to be special.”

“You’re not nervous about the show, are you?” asked Marla.

“No, not all.”

Zoe sipped her Chablis and said, “You have nothing to be afraid of, my dear. You’ll reign supreme!”

Who is King Louis, Queen Elizabeth, Tzar Nicholas, Ferdinand, Isabella?

“In fact, Beck, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were one of the all-time winners!”

“Well, I don’t know about that…” said Rebecca.

“Don’t be so modest,” said Marla. “You’ve told us how it’s always been your dream and how you’ve never had the courage until now. We know you’re ready for this. Don’t worry.”

Rebecca nodded and a faint smile played at the edge of her lips. She didn’t deserve such devoted friends. Marla and Zoe were right. She would be just fine.

“Marla, darling, what exhibits are on display at the gallery this season? I’m dying to see something new,” asked Zoe.

What is renew, Newport, newlywed, New Delhi, newsworthy?

“Well,” said Marla, “in December we’re showing works by an artist from New Orleans by the name of Jim Stone.”

What is amethyst, topaz, emerald, zircon, sapphire?

“Never heard of him. What has he done?” asked Zoe.

“He’s a sculptor. Specializes in Old West motifs,” Marla replied.

Who is Buffalo Bill, Crazy Horse, Wyatt Earp, Annie Oakley, Geronimo?

Zoe sniffed in disdain. “Old West? I didn’t know there were cowboys in New Orleans.”

“You’d be surprised, Zoe. New Orleans is quite the Renaissance city.”

Who is Da Vinci, Copernicus, Botticelli, Cervantes, Monteverdi?

Marla continued, “It’s not all about Cajun cuisine and Jazz, you know.”

What is gumbo, jambalaya, ragtime, bebop, swing? STOP IT! Rebecca stood up abruptly.

“Is everyone ready for coffee and dessert?”

“Absolutely,” said Zoe.

“Do you need some help?” asked Marla.

More than you know, thought Rebecca. “No, I can handle it. Just make yourselves comfortable in the living room. I’ll be right back.”

In the kitchen, Rebecca sliced three generous portions of German chocolate cake. Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf. Suddenly her hands started shaking uncontrollably. Just slight tremors at first, but quickly turning into sharp, jerky movements. She dropped the knife. As it clattered to the floor, she bit her knuckles in fear. What’s wrong with me?

“Beck? Are you okay in there?”

“Just dropped the knife. I’m okay.” Monet, soufflé, Bombay. The room was spinning around and around like a carousel and Rebecca was getting dizzy…fizzy…tizzy. Her head hurt and the voices grew more persistent. Jupiter…hickory smoked…For Whom the Bell Tolls…

Rebecca screamed, dropped to the floor and crawled into a corner of the kitchen. Marla and Zoe ran in and found her there in a fetal position, clawing at her hair and moaning in agony. Bermuda Triangle …peregrine falcon…Margaret Thatcher….NO! Sardines…quantum mechanics…Prohibition…HELP ME! Centigrade…Dow Jones…Frosty the Snowman…MAKE IT STOP?

As Marla dialed 911, Zoe reached down and stroked Rebecca’s cheek, speaking words of solace. “Don’t worry, Cheri. We know you’re a tiny bit anxious about your appearance on the show and that you’re terribly afraid of looking like a fool, but you’ll be fine. Just fine.”

Therapy

SHRINK:
I will now say a word and I want you to say the first word that comes to your mind. Ready?

PATIENT: I think so.

SHRINK: "Word."

PATIENT: Okay, go ahead.

SHRINK: I already did. "Word."

PATIENT: I'm waiting.

SHRINK: The word is "Word."

PATIENT: You just said that. I don't have all day.

SHRINK: "WORD"! "WORD"!

PATIENT: I'm not deaf. Just give me the word and we can get started.

SHRINK: You're impossible!

PATIENT: That's two words.

SHRINK: I've had it!

PATIENT: Three words. I thought you said it was going to be one word?

SHRINK: SESSION OVER!

PATIENT: Back to two words. Make up your mind.

SHRINK: OUT!

PATIENT: "In."

SHRINK: GO!

PATIENT: "Stop."

SHRINK: LEAVE!

PATIENT: "Stay."

SHRINK: DIE!

PATIENT: Which one? "Dye" as in color or "die" as in dead?

(SHRINK runs out the door screaming)

PATIENT: That's five therapists in as many weeks. Must be something in the water.

Previously on "24"

The following takes place between 4:00 am and 5:00 am. Federal agent Jack Bauer interrogates a suspect at the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) in Los Angeles.

JACK: We don’t have much time, Pyle! The entire city of Los Angeles is going to be annihilated in less than 15 minutes! Now … WHERE IS THE BOMB!?

GOMER: Gol-ly! You talk just like Sergeant Carter!

JACK: Carter?

GOMER: He’s my sergeant at Camp Henderson. A real nice feller. He was the first person who took an interest in me when I moved here from North Carolina. You ever been to North Carolina? That’s where I’m from. Mayberry, North Carolina.

JACK: Is that where you got the bomb?

GOMER: Well … I don’t think we have any bombs in Mayberry. Unless you count the cherry bombs they sell at the fireworks stand on Maple Street. But that’s only on the fourth of July. I’ll never forget the time me and Goober got a whole bag full of cherry bombs and lit ‘em all at once. You should have seen the…

JACK: Who’s Goober?

GOMER: Goober’s my cousin. He works at the Mayberry gas station. The best gosh darn mechanic in town. Well, actually, the only mechanic in town.

JACK: So he’s the one who built the bomb.

GOMER: The bomb?

JACK: Don’t play dumb, Pyle. We know you’re the brains behind Operation Aunt Bee.

GOMER: Aunt Bee’s having an operation? Gol-ly!

JACK: (His cell phone rings; he answers) Bauer here … Kim, I can’t talk now. I’m interrogating a suspect…I told you, not now! Okay, but make it fast…uh huh…yeah…I’d go with the pink nail polish. It’ll match your skirt … I love you, too, sweetheart. (Hangs up phone)

GOMER: Pink nail polish is pretty. Lou Anne always wears pink nail polish. It looks real nice.

JACK: Lou Anne Poovie. We know all about her.

GOMER: Then you must have heard her sing at the Blue Bird Café! She’s got the sweetest voice. Just like an angel.

JACK: She’s a terrorist, Pyle. She’s been working for the underground in Pakistan for the past five years.

GOMER: Hmm…that must be why she always breaks our date on Thursday nights.

JACK: Time is running out! We have to find the bomb NOW!

(Suddenly, the interrogation room shakes from a nuclear explosion near the city)

JACK: The bomb has gone off! (Jack runs for the door but can’t get out)
Open the door!

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Sorry, Jack. The attack has automatically sealed all the doors at CTU. No one comes in or goes out for the next 24 hours.

GOMER: Surprise, surprise, surprise! Now we have all the time in the world for a nice long chat. Did I ever tell you about…

(JACK assumes a fetal position in the corner of the interrogation room. He proceeds to suck his thumb and whine “Mommy”)

The Tube Sock Killer

I was sitting in the back row at the county courthouse scribbling notes for tomorrow’s edition of the Cheshire Catterwall. This would be my first front page story in months; a welcome reprieve after stock reports and obituaries. Pork futures be damned. Reebok Wilson, aka the Tube Sock Killer, was walking.

After only two hours of deliberation, the jury had made a decision. Judge Hanes’ face showed no emotion when the foreman read the verdict: Not guilty. The courtroom erupted into chaos as the families of the victims screamed in outrage and Wilson’s supporters wept with relief.

The Tube Sock Killer started making headlines four years earlier when a college girl was found dead in a field on the outskirts of town. She had been strangled with a tube sock, which was still wrapped around her neck when the cops showed up.

Two weeks later, another tube sock victim was discovered floating in Loom River; white male, mid-thirties. Months passed and the Tube Sock Killer snuffed out twelve more people of varying age, race, gender and whatnot. There were no similarities among the victims except that they were from Cheshire County and murdered by strangulation with a tube sock.

Reebok Wilson was arrested and charged with the killings. It happened just like in the movies. A highway patrolman pulled him over for speeding and noticed several packages of tube socks in the back seat. Let’s just say Wilson’s excuses didn’t hold water, and after a few hours under the lights there was enough evidence to win Wilson a hot date with Old Sparky.

Wilson’s attorney, Kalvin N. Clyne, was once a sleazy, ambulance-chaser; the guy you called when you spilled hot coffee on your lap at Wendy’s or slipped on the ice in front of Wal-Mart. He negotiated settlements quick and easy and never saw the inside of a courtroom. But a few years back he got fed up with civil suits and switched to criminal law, fancying himself the next Perry Mason. Defending the Tube Sock Killer was his first important case and his ego was as big as a Mickey Mouse balloon in a Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The morning after the acquittal, I was at Victoria’s Café for a late breakfast when Clyne sauntered up to the counter and took the stool next to mine.

“Saw your story in the Catterwall today, Harry. Whatever happened to objective reporting?” Clyne’s beady eyes focused on the laminated menu.

“I reported the facts of the case, Clyne. Sorry if the truth hurts.” But I wasn’t. And he knew it.

“You cut me to the quick, Harry. To the absolute quick!”

“I do my best.”

“You left out a few facts, my friend.”

“Indeed.” I sipped my joe and peered at Clyne over the rim. I hoped the look I gave him would send him crawling back under his rock. But no luck. He was more brazen than ever.

“As you know, Dr. Gerald Jawkey swore under oath that Reebok Wilson suffers from chronic acid reflux, which manifests itself randomly and renders him virtually catatonic. We also know that the killer is right-handed. Wilson is left-handed. And, of course, Wilson’s airtight alibis held up under intense scrutiny by the prosecution.”

“You don’t say.”

“I’m surprised at you, Harry. Very surprised. Why didn’t you mention those facts in your story?”

“Maybe because the acid reflux defense was proven irrelevant. And Wilson isn’t right-handed. He’s ambidextrous.”

“Semantics.”

“And you know as well as I do those ‘airtight’ alibis leak like a flat tire.”

“That’s not how the jury saw it, did they, my friend?” Clyne smiled, his thick gray mustache danced above a chorus line of straight, white teeth. Teeth I wanted to smash into a million pieces all over Victoria’s shiny linoleum.

I tossed a few bucks on the counter and walked toward the door. “See ya in the funny pages.”

About two a.m. I got a call from my source at the sheriff’s office. It was the scoop of the century, served up sweet with whipped cream and a cherry on top. My exclusive story appeared that morning on the front page of the Catterwall:

Tube Sock Killer Strikes Again! Just after midnight on October 13, Kalvin N. Clyne, Attorney at Law, was found dead in his apartment having been strangled with a tube sock. Red-striped Hanes, extra-large with reinforced toe.

The Egg Movie Channel

The Good, the Bad and the Scrambled

The Egg That Came to Dinner

It Happened at Breakfast

The Egg Man of Alcatraz

Lord of the Yolks

With Six You Get Egg Roll

The Shelling

Yolk of the Baskervilles

The Egg That Wouldn't Die

The Invisible Yolk

Six Degrees of Separation

To Poach With Love

The Eggsorcist

The Big Over Easy

Yolks From the Black Lagoon

Invasion of the Body Poachers

Bride of Quiche

Strawberries to Sinatra

My favorite things that start with the letter “S”:

Strawberries
Shakespeare
San Francisco
“Steppin’ Out With My Baby”
Seattle

Shopping
Screwball comedies
Sunshine
Stephen King
Secret agents

Sinatra
Saucony
Sheep
Showers
“Schindler’s List”

Schubert
Snow
Spaghetti
Seinfeld
Spinach

Spring
Suspense
Secretariat
Symphony
“Singing in the Rain”

Harpo Frizz

A brand new ice cream just arrived on the market. The Harpo Frizz. It's made of the finest quality ingredients. Lemony sherbet with cocoanuts and animal crackers.

Advertising Jingle:

My ice cream has a first name
It's H-A-R-P-O
My ice cream has a second name
It's F-R-I-Z-Z
Oh, I love to eat it every day
And if you ask me why I'll say
Cuz Harpo Frizz will curl your hair
And make you honk 'til people stare

Testimonials:

Scarlett O'Hara:
After a busy day washing Ashley's polo shirts and ironing his jockey shorts, I always look forward to a cool, refreshing Harpo Frizz. The sweet taste brings to mind my halcyon days at Tara before the Yankees burned Atlanta to the ground and forced me to make a dress out of Mama's portieres. As God is my witness, I will never be without a Harpo Frizz again!

Don Corleone:
I'm an honest man. Would I lie to you? No. I tell the truth. And the truth is that Harpo Frizz is the best ice cream in New York. Did I say, "New York"? No. The best ice cream in America. Did I say "America"? No. The best ice cream in the world. If you don't get Harpo Frizz, I can't guarantee your safety. Accidents happen. I have no control over what other people do. It's an offer you can't refuse.

Rick Blaine:
If you don't get Harpo Frizz, you're gonna regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. And for the rest of your life.

Dirty Harry:
I know what you're thinking. Did he have six Harpo Frizzes or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement I kind of lost track myself. But you've got to ask yourself a question: Do you want another Harpo Frizz? Well, do ya, punk?

Tweety Bird

(A song parody sung to the tune of "Yesterday")

Tweety Bird
Smeared in mustard with a side of curd
Scrump-deli-ishus is the only word
Oh, I must eat that Tweety Bird

Tweety Bird
Singing swinging in a cage pampered
Granny konks me 'til my vision's blurred
Oh, I must eat that Tweety Bird

When that anvil fell on my tail
I screamed in pain
He said, "Now take that
Puddy Tat!"
Then waxed insane

Tweety Bird
Some consider you a harmless nerd
But you're sadistic and a tad absurd
Oh, I must eat that Tweety Bird

Silence of the Eggs

Chester stared at the eggs on his plate. Their soft yolks mocked him, but they wouldn’t get away with it. The eggs were smugly confident, sitting alongside his Smuckers-smeared toast, their whites jostling the bacon for more room.

The woman standing by the stove had her back to him. That was good. Keeping one eye on the woman, he tossed a piece of bacon to the drooling Cocker Spaniel at his feet. Then another. The dog ate fast, swallowing the bacon almost whole. The toast was next.

Now he had the eggs where he wanted them ... alone and defenseless. How he loathed them. Their hideous yellow faces shivered as he gently shook the plate, teasing them. With his fork, he cut off a piece of egg white and impaled it on the tine. His mind heard their agonizing screams and Chester smiled. He flipped the offensive tidbit to the dog and proceeded to hack off another piece, being careful not to touch the yolk.

How he delighted in torturing them. Their cries and moans only increased his joy. He continued cutting off the whites and feeding them to the dog until all that was left were two jellied orbs staring back at him. The end was near and they knew it. To Chester, that was the best part...their awareness of their own fate. And being helpless to do anything about it.

The time had come. He looked again at the woman, who was still busy at the stove. Excellent! He slowly placed his index finger on the egg, hearing it gasp in fear. He giggled to himself, but continued the pressure. NOW! Chester pushed harder and harder until...the yolk splattered! It created a ghastly river of slime on the plate. He immediately punctured the yolk of the other egg and watched in glee as the two yellow streams merged into one.

He had to hurry. The woman would turn around soon and see the devastation. He quickly lowered the plate to the dog and anxiously waited while the evidence disappeared right before his eyes. When the plate had been licked clean, Chester put the dish in its proper place on the table and relaxed. The eggs were gone. Forever.

Time Is On Our Side

Hubby and I went to see “The Lake House” with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. No, it wasn’t a double date.

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon when we walked through the doors of the darkened theatre and found seats in the back row. As I looked around, I noticed that most of the people were older couples. Except for a squad of teenage girls that giggled throughout the show. And, of course, there was the lone guy you seen in every movie house in America, sitting dead center with a giant popcorn and large Mountain Dew wearing a “Stupid Is As Stupid Does” t-shirt.

The movie was a romance. A man and woman fall in love ... but an obstacle keeps them from being together. So far, so good.

The obstacle is not what you would expect. One of them dying a slow, painful death from stepping barefoot on a rusty nail? Parents that would rather see their kids joy-riding on the Titanic than to marry? A Park Avenue princess twisting her ankle in the Outback and being captured by renegade armadillos and offered as a sacrifice to a massive stone statue of Sylvester Stallone?

No, the problem is much more severe: Keanu lives in the year 2004 and Sandra lives in the year 2006. Yeah, you heard me right. Time is “not” on their side.

They “meet” at a secluded lake house on the outskirts of Chicago and communicate by writing letters and placing them in the mail box. I didn’t get it, either.

As a woman, I took note of Sandra’s cute outfits and perky hairstyle. She dyed her hair black for this movie. (Is she going gray in real life? Inquiring minds want to know.) She plays the part of a doctor and has virtually no life outside the hospital. I wonder how she manages to find time to flirt with Keanu with all those handwritten letters. It’s the 21st century. Ever heard of email?

Keanu is an architect. Handsome. Sexy. The perfect man. Not a trace of “Bill and Ted” dudism or Matrix mystery. Dressed to kill in L.L. Bean togs, he looks so cool traipsing through the woods in his Acadia hiking boots and multi-pocket cargo jacket with detachable hood and flannel lining … available in camel, chestnut, navy and hunter green.

All the elements for a tear-jerker romance are there: a beautiful, successful, neurotic woman whose loathsome boyfriend is a nerdish, self-absorbed yuppie; a sensitive man with rugged good looks and gentle eyes who was mistreated by his neglectful father; and a lovely house on a lake nestled in a scenic woodland with scurrying squirrels, twittering bluebirds and the unabomber.

The nemesis is time itself. Two people living in the same city in different years. In the end, the lovers meet at the lake house. Don’t ask me how the time thingamajiggy worked out because I don’t know. All that matters is they “lived happily ever after.”

As we left the theatre, hubby and I discussed the film and the concept of time travel. We had this same discussion in 1985 with “Back to the Future” (how in the world did “old” Biff know how to operate the De Lorean time machine, go back to 1955 to give himself the sports almanac, and then fly back to the future? Huh?)

Hubby was quick to point out that there were no car chases, explosions or female nudity. Be we knew this going in. The big question: Did it make sense? The big answer: No. But we liked it anyway.

Later at home as we snuggled on the couch watching the Rockies and the Dodgers game, we came to the conclusion that we are perfectly content sharing the same time dimension. Although, hubby really liked the idea of me living in the future and mailing him scores to baseball games that haven’t been played yet.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game (A Pantoum)

I love baseball
Who's on first
I don't know
Third base

Who's on first
That's what I want to find out
Third base
One base at a time

That's what I want to find out
I mean the fellow's name
One base at a time
All right, what do you want to know

I mean the fellow's name
What's on second
All right, what do you want to know
What's the guy's name on first base

What's on second
That's right
What's the guy's name on first base
Tomorrow's pitching

That's right
Gotta catcher
Tomorrow's pitching
Now you've got it

Gotta catcher
I don't know
Now you've got it
I love baseball

Note to reader: Pantoum is a type of poetry with a distinct style. See this link to learn more:
http://www.newpoetspress.com/pantoum.html

Road Signs

Road sign for the king:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your throne.

Road sign for the skeleton:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your bone.

Road sign for the Betty Crocker:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your scone.

Road sign for Dorothy:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your cyclone.

Road sign for the telemarketer:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your phone.

Road sign for Joe Friday:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your monotone.

Road sign for the ice cream man:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your cone.

Road sign for the environmentalist:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your ozone.

Road sign for the jockey:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your roan.

Road sign for the zombie:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your tombstone.

Road sign for the bee:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your drone.

Road sign for the bimbo:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your silicone.

Road sign for the witch:
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your crone.

Road sign for the corpse.
Drive carefully. The life you save may be your prone.