Bizarro by Don Piraro

Weekend Interlude

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

The same middle name.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Why does Scrooge love all the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santalope.

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet.

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snow balls.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles.

What happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy.

Christmas Movies

Well, it's about time for the family tradition of watching "It's a Wonderful Life"...my all-time favorite Christmas movie. George Bailey is my hero. My favorite scene is at the end when the townsfolk gather to help George, and his brother Harry makes a toast: "To my brother, George. The richest man in town."



Other faves: "Miracle on 34th Street"... Susan and her sceptical mother believe in Santa Claus. Best line in the movie is by the District Attorney: "The State of New York concedes that Santa Claus exists."



"A Christmas Carol" ... Patrick Stewart is my favorite Scrooge.



"A Christmas Story"...Ralphie obsesses over the Red Ryder BB Gun, but Mom warns, "It'll put your eye out."



"The Homecoming"...a Walton's Christmas; John Boy gets a stack of Big Chief tablets for Christmas. Write on, John Boy!



And of course Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without "Charlie Brown Christmas," "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman."



Call me corny, but I'm a huge fan of the Christmas movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels: "The Christmas Shoes," "Noel," "Secret Santa," "The Timepiece," "Holiday Affair," "The Christmas Gift," etc.


Question of the day: Why can't real life be like the movies? Sigh.

Double Indemnity

This month in my movie column I spoof "Double Indemnity," starring Fred MacMurray as Walter Neff, insurance salesman; Barbara Stanwyck as Phyllis Dietrichson, the femme fatale; and Edward G. Robinson as Barton Keyes, Neff's cigar-smoking boss and expert in the insurance game.

In honor of Christmas, I wrote a parody of Clement Clarke Moore's poem 'Twas the Night Before Christmas" and told Neff's story. I call it "Double Indemnity: Twas the Night Before Murder."

'Twas the night before murder; I entered the house.
Phyllis Dietrichson lived there; her spouse was a louse.

I noticed her anklet and started to drool,
I knew she was trouble, I wasn't a fool.

"You move pretty fast, Mr. Neff," she opined,
"How fast was I going?" I asked, then she chimed:

"Ninety miles an hour, you'd better slow down."
"Give me a ticket and I'll get out of town."

"Suppose I let you off with a warning," she joked.
"Suppose it doesn't take, baby, " I choked.

"Suppose I whack you over the knuckles," said she.
"Suppose I bust out crying." This game was quite creepy.

But we kept it going as long as we could.
She knew I was trapped, and that wasn't good.

"Oh, Walter," she said, as she poured the ice tea.
"Insurance I need, double indemnity."

To read the rest of the story go to www.nightsandweekends.com then click Dial M for Movies under Columns.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Weekend Interlude

What do you get when you eat a BlackBerry?

Bluetooth.

-- From "Berryman" at www.crackberry.com

"Mutts" by Patrick McDonnell

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You're the Employee of the Month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.

Cocaine is a downer.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

Weekend Interlude

Boycott shampoo. Demand the REAL poo!

Barack the Vote

I kid you not, I didn't decide who I was going to vote for until I was staring at the electronic voting pad in the voting booth. I chose Obama. Weighing the pros and cons, everything pointed in Obama's favor. I do not regret my decision.

This is the first time in my voting life that I have voted for a Democrat. Whadda ya know! The first time I ever voted was in 1980. I registered as an Independent and voted for John Anderson. After that, it was pretty much Republican all the way. Until this year. Obama was right...it's all about change. I want change. I'm ready for a new America and a new start.

My prayers are with President (elect) Obama and his family.

Voting for McBama

The day before the election, I want to state my prediction on the outcome of the presidential race. Obama will win. No surprises. He will win because of the youth vote and because people are disappointed (to say the least) in the current administration, which happens to be Republican. They will also vote for Obama because they believe he exudes hope and change...which we desperately need.



McCain might have had a fighting chance if he had chosen a different running mate. His choice of Sarah Palin was his downfall. I lost all respect for his ability to make good decisions. And I think many Americans agree with me. Kathleen Parker was right...Sarah Palin should have stepped down. But even if she had, it would have been too late. The choice of Palin in the first place was McCain's biggest mistake in the election.



(Parker's article):



http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=MDZiMDhjYTU1NmI5Y2MwZjg2MWNiMWMyYTUxZDkwNTE=#more



Personally, I was pro-Obama for several months. I was mesmerized by his speeches. He was, and is, inspiring and brings out the best in our natures. I admire his idealism and optimism for America.



After the primaries, when Obama defeated Hillary and the race was between McCain and Obama, I was undecided. I've been a fan of John McCain since 2000 when he ran against GW Bush in the primary. I admire McCain's courage and respect his military service to our country. I think he's better qualified in terms of foreign policy and the war in Iraq.



I respectfully admire both McCain and Obama. Either one would be a good president. Even now, hours before the election, I'm still "undecided" in many ways. I'm not happy with Obama's economic plan and his stance on Iraq. I'm also nervous about his inexperience in foreign policy. On the other hand, I'm very pleased with his choice for VP and Colin Powell's endorsement nudged me even closer to voting for Obama. I think Obama would be an excellent representative of America in the world and would gain the respect we seem to have lost in the last few years.



As for McCain, I am not happy with his VP choice. I do not want this woman one heart beat away from the presidency. This is the PRIMARY reason I hesitate to vote for McCain. In addition, I don't think he can move the country in a new direction. He's been a senator for decades and not much has changed. His age is also a drawback; he is from the Old School of politics, while Obama represents a younger, more vital world view.



Issues aside, I like the idea of a black president. I like the idea of a family with young children living in the White House. Michelle Obama is brilliant and beautiful.



The "Joe the Plumber" incident really opened my eyes in terms of Obama's economic plan...sharing the wealth, etc. I don't believe that is the way to go. I'm a staunch capitalist. I'm also concerned about Obama's notorious co-horts, Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers. Something else to think about.



So who will I vote for tomorrow? I'll let you know.

Chester's Way

My granddaughter Lily will be celebrating her fourth birthday on November 26. Since we live many miles away, I won't be able to see her and share in her dinosaur party. HOWEVER, I do have a terrific idea for a birthday gift. I'm going to have hubby make a video of me reading her a story book. How cool is that?

The book I've chosen is "Chester's Way" by Kevin Henkes. The illustrations are delightful and the story is full of imagination and fun. There's even a character named Lilly! Spelled differently than my little lamb, but I think she'll get a kick out of it.

As a lover of children's literature, I think this ranks as one of the best story books for young children.

Weekend Interlude

A day without sunshine is like, night.

It's all about the candy

I love Halloween. It's the only time of the year when I can dress up in a costume in public. This will be my first Halloween at my new job. I work in an office and it looks like the holiday is celebrated with much fanfare. There will be a Halloween party during office hours which includes a pumpkin carving contest, a costume contest, food and fun. The party room is decorated with bats, spiders, cobwebs, jack-o-lanterns, witches, skulls, skeletons, ghosts, etc.

I will wear my conservative office witch costume: pumpkin-colored mock turtleneck, black pants, black cape and orange & black striped witch hat. In past Halloweens I've been Harpo Marx, a gypsy, a pirate...and a clown. I don't know about you, but clowns are really creepy. My vote for the scariest clown in the history of the world is Ronald McDonald. (Shiver!)

As for the home front, I give out candy to the kids. My preference is anything with chocolate. This year it's Kit Kats and Snickers. Today I went on a baking binge and made some chocolate cookies. Martha Stewart's recipe and very tasty. Tonight at our singing group, one of the ladies brought special treats: Halloween cupcakes with various "objects" stuck in the icing...eyeballs, spiders, bats, a green hand reaching out from the grave. I chose one of the eyeball cupcakes...it was chocolate. Enough said.

Iron Man

I'm one of those fortunate people to have a good friend who likes the same kinds of films I do. She recommends films for me to watch and vise versa. I've never once been disappointed.



I admit that I'm a fan of superhero movies, but I'm selective. Superman, Batman and Spider-Man...YES! Hulk, Hellboy, Hancock...not too crazy about.



At her suggestion, I just finished watching "Iron Man." I didn't know anything about it; I've never read the Iron Man story so my imagination was wide open for whatever Hollywood could throw my way.



My first spine-tingling thrill was realizing that Robert Downey Jr. starred in the movie. I did a double take. WHAT!? I've been a fan of RDJ for years. Loved him best in "Only You" with Marissa Tomei (who wouldn't?) Now he's a SUPERHERO? You've got to be kidding.



His character, Tony Stark, is a wealthy ego-maniac who just happens to be a brilliant scientist. Yes, they're a dime dozen.



I was also pleased that Jeff Bridges was in the movie. Another fave of mine. Loved him best in "The Fabulous Baker Boys" and his hilarious supporting role in "The Muse" with Albert Brooks who just happens to be the funniest man on earth.



I was surprised that Jeff was the bad guy. I hate it when he's the bad guy. Sigh. And why on earth was he BALD?! The bald wig was a big mistake. Looks great on Mike Meyers, but Jeff looked like Daddy Warbucks with a goatee.



Best scenes:



RDJ in the cave in Afghanistan creating the Iron Man prototype.



RDJ in his laboratory testing the new Iron Man prototype.



RDJ dancing with Gwenyth Paltrow.



GROSSEST SCENE: RDJ pulling that wire out of his nose. To tell the truth, I didn't even see it all the way through...had to close my eyes and peek through my fingers.



First Runner Up for GROSSEST SCENE: Gwenyth pulling the chest power plug out of RDJ's chest and replacing it with the new and improved one.



Most Satisfying Moment: RDJ is just about to die because Jeff stole his chest power plug. RDJ crawls to his lab to get the spare and can't reach it. He collapses and his robotic arm machine, sensing his need, gives it to him. The robot thingy should be nominated for best supporting actor.

Naturally, the theme song at the end was none other than Black Sabbath's "Iron Man."

In conclusion, I rank this one of the best superhero movies of all time.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."

Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!

Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar."

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

Political Humor

Okay, I'm reading the op-ed section of the newspaper this morning and came across an article by Doug Hecox, a Wyomingite who just happens to live in Washington, D.C. and is also a comedian.


The article riffed on the VP debate that was held last Thursday between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. Like me, Hecox is an undecided voter. The debate didn't sway his vote, nor mine. Although I'm leaning more toward Obama.

Anyway, back to the article. Here's an excerpt:

Literally, anything can happen with a McCain/Palin administration. For example, on January 20, Mr. McCain could become president. The next day, he would bomb Hanoi for obvious reasons and, hours later, he would likely be impeached--leaving Mrs. Palin as America's new president.

Here's a link to Hecox's website:

www.dougfun.com

"Mutts" by Patrick McDonnell

Ain't it the truth!

The Difference Between Sarah Palin and Gloria Steinem:

Lipstick.

And so much more.

"Kevin & Kell" by Bill Holbrook