Saturday, August 27, 2005

Secret Lives of the Famous

1) Einstein closed his routine with the joke about the duck and the traveling salesman and got the laughs he expected. He was a regular Monday night stand-up at the Silver Scorpion Casino in downtown Berlin. Albert had started out as a prop-comic in a dingy barroom in Hamburg, but his skill in doing impersonations and his excellent comedic timing soon attracted the attention of theatrical agents. In between sets, he’d solve mathematical equations on cocktail napkins.

2) The sound of the Harley’s roar pounded in Eleanor’s ears as she clung to Winston’s waist for dear life. She knew that Franklin would be upset, but she didn’t care. The obese Prime Minister and the First Lady had been meeting secretly for months to ride Ireland’s scenic byways. On these romantic excursions they always stopped at their favorite roadside diner for fish & chips and cold Heinekens.

3) Kissinger’s pet gorilla rattled his cage again. “For Pete’s sake, be quiet!” Henry was preparing for a meeting with heads of state to discuss U.S. foreign policy in Southeast Asia when Bonzo insisted on eating a banana. The cage was hidden beneath the floorboards in his office and a large area rug covered the spot. Fortunately, Henry had recently purchased a bunch of bananas from Spiro and was able to satiate the ape.

4) “The life of a rocket scientist isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” lamented Marilyn to her handsome escort as they were seated at the bar. Miss Monroe delicately sipped her martini; her tousled blonde hair covered one eye. She then proceeded to expose the contents of her briefcase – her 250-page treatise on projectile motion and vertical trajectory.

5) Fidel was worried. He’d booked too many Tupperware parties during the month of October. How would he fit them all in? He should have known that being a Tupperware representative would seriously interfere with his day job. But he couldn’t resist the free tumbler set and matching mauve pitcher, which had a lifetime guarantee.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Hey, Dude

Trevor: (greeting his friend Josh outside the mall) Dude!

Josh: (flashing Trevor a twisted-hand gesture with pinky and thumb extended) Dude.

Trevor: (puts hands in pockets of his baggy jeans) Duuude.

Josh: (flaps his arms like a chicken) Dude . . .

Trevor: (adjusts volume on his iPod) DUDE!

Josh: (gawks at girl walking by in low-slung jeans and a belly ring) DUUUDE!!!

Trevor: (puts his baseball cap on backwards) dude.

Josh: (counts the change in his pocket) Dude?

Trevor: (flashes his father’s MasterCard) Dude!

Josh: (high-fives Trevor) Duuude!

Josh and Trevor: (enter mall as the girl in low-slung jeans and belly ring walks out) DUUUUUUDDDDE!!!