Saturday, March 11, 2006

Adventures of Sedentary Man!

It was a dark and stormy night in Fester City. Edgar Potts was lounging in his recliner watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” while eating Cheetos out of the bag. His orange-crusted fingers reached for the remote; he’d seen this episode before.

As he flipped through the channels, he was compelled to stop at an infomercial for the “Go-Flex Ab-Master.” A hard-bodied, six-pack-abs, jock was demonstrating how the machine worked. To Edgar, the contraption looked like a medieval torture device. He kept looking for the spotter, whom he was sure would be a 300-pound, six-foot-five-inch, bare-chested goon, adorned in a black hood and brandishing a cat-o-nine tails.

At that exact moment, thunder rolled and lightning flashed. Edgar went to the window, the remote still in his hand. Before he knew what happened, a bolt of lightning broke through the glass and zapped the remote. A stream of blue electricity charged through Edgar’s hand, up his arm and into his brain. Edgar was thrown back into his recliner, unconscious.

When he awoke several hours later, he noticed something strange. His right hand had transformed into a television remote. The muscles in his arms and legs had atrophied, taking on the appearance of limp spaghetti noodles. His belly had grown to the size of a beach ball. Edgar had become . . . Sedentary Man!

He had power to switch channels and control DVD and video viewing on televisions, computer monitors, cell phones and PDAs throughout the world.

With this power he could protect the delicate psyches of teenage-hoodlums by virtually eliminating their ability to watch reruns of “Gilligan’s Island.” Women would no longer be at the mercy of soap operas, sexist TV commercials and Oprah. Of course, as Sedentary Man, Edgar would make sure every man in the universe had access to every sports program in existence 24/7.

Edgar noticed his superhero costume lacked a leotard, a mask, boots and a cape. But he didn’t need them. Instead, his outfit was quite simple: gray sweatpants and a t-shirt that said, “Watch It.”

After all, the clothes make the man.

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