Friday, March 30, 2007

Previously on "24"

The following takes place between 4:00 am and 5:00 am. Federal agent Jack Bauer interrogates a suspect at the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) in Los Angeles.

JACK: We don’t have much time, Pyle! The entire city of Los Angeles is going to be annihilated in less than 15 minutes! Now … WHERE IS THE BOMB!?

GOMER: Gol-ly! You talk just like Sergeant Carter!

JACK: Carter?

GOMER: He’s my sergeant at Camp Henderson. A real nice feller. He was the first person who took an interest in me when I moved here from North Carolina. You ever been to North Carolina? That’s where I’m from. Mayberry, North Carolina.

JACK: Is that where you got the bomb?

GOMER: Well … I don’t think we have any bombs in Mayberry. Unless you count the cherry bombs they sell at the fireworks stand on Maple Street. But that’s only on the fourth of July. I’ll never forget the time me and Goober got a whole bag full of cherry bombs and lit ‘em all at once. You should have seen the…

JACK: Who’s Goober?

GOMER: Goober’s my cousin. He works at the Mayberry gas station. The best gosh darn mechanic in town. Well, actually, the only mechanic in town.

JACK: So he’s the one who built the bomb.

GOMER: The bomb?

JACK: Don’t play dumb, Pyle. We know you’re the brains behind Operation Aunt Bee.

GOMER: Aunt Bee’s having an operation? Gol-ly!

JACK: (His cell phone rings; he answers) Bauer here … Kim, I can’t talk now. I’m interrogating a suspect…I told you, not now! Okay, but make it fast…uh huh…yeah…I’d go with the pink nail polish. It’ll match your skirt … I love you, too, sweetheart. (Hangs up phone)

GOMER: Pink nail polish is pretty. Lou Anne always wears pink nail polish. It looks real nice.

JACK: Lou Anne Poovie. We know all about her.

GOMER: Then you must have heard her sing at the Blue Bird CafĂ©! She’s got the sweetest voice. Just like an angel.

JACK: She’s a terrorist, Pyle. She’s been working for the underground in Pakistan for the past five years.

GOMER: Hmm…that must be why she always breaks our date on Thursday nights.

JACK: Time is running out! We have to find the bomb NOW!

(Suddenly, the interrogation room shakes from a nuclear explosion near the city)

JACK: The bomb has gone off! (Jack runs for the door but can’t get out)
Open the door!

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Sorry, Jack. The attack has automatically sealed all the doors at CTU. No one comes in or goes out for the next 24 hours.

GOMER: Surprise, surprise, surprise! Now we have all the time in the world for a nice long chat. Did I ever tell you about…

(JACK assumes a fetal position in the corner of the interrogation room. He proceeds to suck his thumb and whine “Mommy”)

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