Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Norman's New Year's Resolutions

Sheriff Al Chambers here. On December 20, we took Norman Bates into custody for the murder of Marian Crane, Milton Arbogast and several other victims. The newspapers reported the sordid details so I won't go into them here. Suffice it to say that Mr. Bates will not be seeing the light of day for quite some time. Of course we drained the swamp where we discovered the naked body of Marian, wrapped in a shower curtain and stuffed in the trunk of her car. We scoured the house for evidence and questioned everyone even remotely associated with Norman Bates, including his third grade teacher, Mrs. Horrorwits. As far as I was concerned, it was an open and shut case. A few days after his arrest, I went back to the house. I walked down the dark halls, noting the bloodstain at the top of the stairs where Arbogast had died. I even ventured to the basement where the dead mother was found. How could someone as shy and unassuming as Norman Bates be capable of such atrocities? I was just about to leave when I decided to check his bedroom one more time. That’s when I found it. A journal. Blank, except for one entry:

My New Year’s Resolutions:

Stock up on shower curtains, Ginsu knives and Lysol Toilet & Tub Cleaner.

Check expiration date on bottle of strychnine.

Mother’s Day gift: search ebay for Christian Dior gown and Prada shoes.

Accept offer to go on the Jerry Springer Show: “Mama’s Boys Gone Bad.”

Get therapy.

Read “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

Replace motel shower heads with low-flow.

Offer the use of the Bates Motel for the next season of “Survivor.”

Renew membership to the “National Psycho Killer Taxidermists Guild.”

Sell property and take that caretaker job at the Overlook Hotel in Colorado.

***Of course Bates’ journal is secured as evidence for the trial. But one question haunts me, causing restless nights and a profound uneasiness that gnaws away at the doorposts of my soul. What in the world is "ebay"?

No comments: