Watching "The Savages" again...

I'm very impressed with this film. Yes, it's a sad and depressing story about dealing with an aging parent, but the thing that strikes me more than anything is that it's real. The relationships (between the parent and the children; between the siblings; between the siblings' and their signifcant others) are authentic. As a film, everything works to bring you into the story: the cinematography, the music, the script. A perfect movie. It's not for everyone, but a movie shouldn't be "for everyone," just those it's meant to be for.

Another Saturday Night

It's so fun to hang out with my friend J. R. We have so much in common, including our love for coffee, chocolate and movies. We went to the movies yesterday and saw The Proposal (Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds)...a romantic comedy with a serious message about marriage, family and honesty. We could have done without the male stripper scene. Yoiks! I much prefer Oscar Nunez as the gay accountant in "The Office."

My favorite scenes were the dance in the woods and the accidental naked encounter.

Afterwards we spent several hours at Applebees. J R had the Chicken Quesedilla and a side salad (which just happened to be as big as a house; we thought it would be smaller...OY!) I had the Sante Fe Chicken Salad. Yum! After the meal we had coffee and discussed purses, spiritual warfare and guinea pigs.

It was 8:30 when we left the restaurant so we decided to stop by her house, pick up some gourmet chocolate and some films and go to my house to finish the party. I made popcorn and we watched Hangman's Curse (a family detective team solves a murder mystery at a high school). I was pleased to see Mel Harris as the Mom (loved her in "thirtysomething") and David Keith as the Dad ("Firestarter" and "Heartbreak Hotel.")

Speaking of "thirtysomething," I heard the first season DVD will be released next week! YAY!

Julie, Julia and Me

Hubby and I went to see "Julie and Julia" to celebrate our 33rd wedding anniversary. For the record, while hubby (like most guys) enjoys action movies, he is a romantic at heart. So if you think he suffered through this movie for my benefit, you are mistaken. We laughed, we cried, we bought the T-shirt.

Afterwards, the plan was to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant. They serve complimentary chips and salsa...to DIE for. I usually get the taco plate with tacos, refried beans, rice and guacamole salad...hubby likes the beef sopapilla. And of course, their margaritas are the best in town.

However, when we arrived at the restaurant, the line was a mile long. We had forgotten that it was Tuesday...that's when the margaritas are two for the price of one. So we decided to go to another of our favorite eateries, Poor Richards. I had the Wild Mushroom with Tenderloin tips and hubby had the Prime Rib. The meal was delicious.

Hubby takes his food very seriously. He will not return to a restaurant that has bad service or bad food. I take things in stride and allow that the server or the chef may have just had an off day. My policy is to give people another chance.

We are opposites in our menu choices as well. I like to try new dishes every time, but hubby sticks with the same thing. I know exactly what he will order when we go out to eat. At Poor Richards he always gets the prime rib, medium rare. At Olive Garden it's the soup (Zuppa Tuscana) and salad. At Casa it's the Beef Sopapilla. At Twin Dragon it's Pepper Steak.

I can occasionally twist his arm to try new restaurants, but if he doesn't like it, he won't go back no matter what. My mission is get him to try "2 Doors Down"...a quaint spot downtown with a fun atmosphere. I ate there a few weeks ago with my friend Zoe and it was fabulous!

Behind the Seams

Project Runway's new season begins August 20. Me and my J.C. Penny's Worthington navy pencil skirt couldn't be happier.

Love Tim Gunn ("Make it work!") Love Heidi (blonde amazon on stilettos). Love the chaos, craziness and challenges ("You have five minutes to design an outfit with a copy of Newsweek. Your time starts now!")

This season there will be additional scenes featuring the "Models of Project Runway" who are also competing.

Totally psyched!

That Girl!

Just received Season Five of "That Girl" from amazon. I now have the complete set. Huzzah!

I was nine years old when "That Girl" made it's debut on TV in 1966. The show ran for five seasons (from 1966 to 1970). I was 13 when the final show aired. Ann Marie became my idol. She was beautiful, funny, friendly, an actress...everything I wanted to be as pre-teen girl. I wore my hair in a flip just like her and fantasized about living in New York as an actress and having a cute boyfriend like Donald Hollinger. And of course, wearing those fantastic designer clothes! HOLY COW! Of course, at the time I didn't understand that a starving actress in New York wouldn't have the money to buy those cute outfits. Kind of sounds like "Sex in the City." Carrie Bradshaw spends hundreds of dollars on shoes and designer clothes on a column-writer's salary? Yeah, right.

The "That Girl" theme song didn't have lyrics until season five:

Diamonds, Daisies, Snowflakes, That Girl!
Chestnuts, Rainbows, Springtime... Is That Girl

She's tinsel on a tree...
She's everything that every girl should be!

Sable, Popcorn, White Wine, That Girl!

Gingham, Bluebirds, Broadway... Is That Girl

She's mine alone, but luckily for you...

If you find a girl to love,

Only one girl to love,

Then she'll be That Girl too... That Girl!

Of course, the lyrics are corny, but who cares? It was a catchy tune. My favorite is season one...the episode when Ann met Donald (Captain Dumb Dumb). In the pilot, Ted Bessell played Ann's agent. Thank goodness they changed his part to the boyfriend instead.

This show is "Terrific!"

Chicago!

I created this ink drawing for my granddaughter Vanessa. She wanted it for her BFF Chelsea, who LOVES "Chicago." I was inspired by an ad for "Chicago" in a dance magazine.

As a fan of musical theatre, I also love "Chicago." We were fortunate to see the show here in Cheyenne last year. Absolultely amazing! In the staging for this performance, the muscians were situated upstage on a shelf-type platform during the whole show. WOW!

My favorite songs from the show:

All That Jazz and Mister Cellophane

"The sky looks like cake batter"

That's what my 15-year-old granddaughter said yesterday as we were driving home from the library. The sky was churning with all colors in the gray scale and this is the image that came to her mind. She's from California (central coast) and is awestruck by the massive sky here in Wyoming.

She's on her cell phone constantly, talking to friends, texting, taking pictures of everything that catches her fancy, including a pair of pink and black mod-style flipflops at the mall; she sent the photo to her friend in CA who LOVES that style (Nessa wouldn't be caught dead in pink...she has a self-proclaimed "skater/surfer" style). Other photos include: the front of the Texas Roadhouse restaurant, a lightning storm, a stringer of rainbow trout she caught on her first day here. She's a real shutterbug, just like her grandma.

So, like, is this cute, or what...

Run, Luana! Run!

Last year I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis and that put an end to my running. The result? I gained 15 pounds over the winter, despite almost daily workouts on the elliptical. Sheesh!

Add to that an addiction to reality TV. I had become a human sloth.

So I'm taking control of my life. No more ice cream, cake and cookies. No more chips and soda. No more sitting around watching "America's Next Top Model" marathons on Bravo.

I am eating healthier foods and nixing the lumber jack portions. I'm also starting my running program again and doing the elliptical on the days I don't run. I bought some new Sauconys and now that it's summer I can do early morning runs. A few short years ago my routine was to get up early while it was still dark and go for a run before work. I was so dedicated that I'd run in any weather...even blizzard conditions.

Here's where my running program started going down hill (pun intended):

October 2005: I twisted my knee in a run. It was so bad I could hardly walk, much less run. After several months, I was able to run again. But I had to be careful.

October 2007: While running, I was attacked by a dog that chewed up the flesh behind my left knee. That set me back several weeks and as winter kicked in, I totally lost my stamina.

April 2008: The heel of my right foot started hurting when I ran. It was plantar fasciitis. I couldn't run for several months. I still have to do stretches and wear shoes with arch support. No more going around the house barefoot.

Now, over a year later, my plantar fasciitis is pretty much healed (pun intended), but I've discovered I have tendonitis! Nevertheless, I'm going to run again. It won't be like it was in my glory days, but at this point I'll take what I can get.

In the words of George Costanza: "I'm back, baby!"

My Own Personal R2D2

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, my vacuum cleaner called it quits right in the middle of a major Saturday cleaning event. We had this fire engine-red Hoover for years and it was only a matter of time before it bit the dust (pun intended).

So I unplugged the beast, got in the car and began my search for a new vacuum cleaner. I didn't want to spend a lot of money, but I needed a machine that could do the job. And Voila! I found it! A Hoover Turbo Empower 4600!

It features a hush mode (so it's not so loud), the handle flips down for easy storage, and best of all there's no need to change bags! When I flipped the on switch, I realized it had a mind of its own. I had to actually pull it back so it wouldn't take off out the door and around the block.

It cleaned my carpet beautifully. I was thrilled. I hadn't had that much fun vacumming in years. But all good things come to an end, so I put the handle down to store it in the closet. That's when it hit me. My vacuum looked like a slim version of R2D2, that cute little android in "Star Wars." Yes, I said cute. Everyone knows that R2 is cute with a capital "Q"!

I never thought I'd be one of those people who name their appliances, but I couldn't help myself. My Hoover is R2D2. And on cleaning day, the Force is most definitely with me.

The Job Interview

(Short fiction by Luana Krause)

So I went for this job interview at a bank, and like, it was so weird. I waited for, like, ten minutes in the lobby and I was so BORED I thought I was gonna DIE. I couldn’t stand it any longer and checked out their magazines. You would think they’d have cool mags like “People” or “In Style.” No such luck. All they had was, like, generic. You know, “Time” and “Newsweek.” Like, who reads THAT!

Finally, this lady called my name and I went into this, like, HUGE office. The boss was sitting at this really big desk and asked me to sit down. He was a fat dude, and bald, but super nice. He’s all, “Why do you want to work at this bank?” And I’m all, “Because I need a job.” And he’s all, “What skills do you have?” And I’m all, “I can use a computer and talk on the phone.” And he’s all, “Are you good with numbers?” And I’m all, “Duh. I’ve got five credit cards and not one is maxed out yet.” And he’s all, “Do you enjoy dealing with the public?” And I’m all, “Shut up! I deal with the public all the time. I go to the mall, like, every Saturday.”

He stood up and shook my hand. And he’s all, “I’ll get back to you. Have a nice day.” I know he’s gonna offer me the job. He’ll be like, “When can you start?” And I’ll be like, “Right away.”

Agnes by Tony Cochran

Time Travel Diary: March 15, 1952

Dear Diary:

It's spring in Memphis and this morning I saw my first robin. He was sitting on the branch of that giant sycamore in the front yard. But let me tell you, birds were not uppermost in my thoughts today. It was my first day at my new high school. Why oh why did Mama and Daddy and yank Charlie and me from our schools in Murfreesboro and move the family lock, stock and barrel, to Memphis of all places? Especially in the spring of my junior year! I could just DIE!

Despite my heartbreak and anguish, I think it was a blessing in disguise. The cutest boy I ever laid eyes on sits right in front of me in English class. Elvis Presley! Now I ask you, what kind of name is Elvis? His hair is black and his eyes are bluer than the summer sky. After class I "accidentally" bumped into him and dropped my books. He was so sweet. He picked them up for me and said he was sorry. I told him that was okay. I think he likes me. I wonder if he has a date for the prom?

I think this new school is going to work out just fine.

Daylight Savings Time

What did the digital clock say to its mother?
"Look, Ma! No hands!"

American Idol Wild Card Show

Okay. So I'm watching the Wild Card Show on American Idol, which was recorded on my DVR because I was singing at my Cheyenne Harmony rehearsal (Cheyenne Harmony is a women's acappella singing group).

I return home to watch the show. I was disappointed that Jesse received such a negative critique from the judges. I LOVE her style of singing...and her song choices. She was my favorite. And of course, she did not make the cut. (sigh).

The other wild card contestants were so-so for me. However, I was thrilled that Tatiana was cut. I have no idea how she got this far. I suspect it's the "drama" factor. She's a drama queen if I ever saw one. It was pretty pathetic that after she was cut she went to the judges table weeping...the judges enabled her psychotic behavior by speaking words of comfort and encouragement. Puhleeze!

The last three contestants were chosen. Megan (a long-haired blonde beauty with an edgy singing style), Jasmine (a cute teenager with a powerhouse voice that came out of nowhere) and ...at that moment my DVR shut off and I didn't get to see the third choice! I also missed the surprise...a fourth contestant making a total of 13 finalists!

Luckily, the Internet came to the rescue and I found out that Anoop and Matt were also chosen. Good choices. Looking forward to next week when the competition really begins!

Werd Nerd

Today a work colleague used the word "sartorial" in describing his tie. None of us knew what "sartorial" meant, so we opened up the online dictionary and looked it up. If you already know this word, then you can skip this post. However, if you want to increase your vocabulary, take a look at the following definition:

sartorial

sar·to·ri·al [ saar táwree əl ]
adjective
Definition:

1. of tailoring: relating to tailoring or clothing in general


Now let's use it in a sentence:

Simone smiled as she saw her image in the mirror and noted that her sartorial pencil skirt had a back slit through which peaked her attractive calves.

Slip Slidin' Away

It's funny how a song will reach out from the past and deliver a personal message just for you. A message that you need to hear and that will impact your life. This happened to me this week. I call it Divine Intervention.

Here's what happened:

My computer in my home office went "on the fritz" at the exact moment I was ready to work out on my elliptical machine. I usually watch a movie on my computer while I work out. Since I couldn't do that, I decided to listen to a CD instead. As "luck" would have it, I chose Paul Simon. I used to listen to him back in the day and he's still one of my favorite singer-songwriters. His songs are like poetry from the heart...set to music. His lyrics are powerful.

Anyway, I started off with "Mother and Child Reunion"...a cool, upbeat tune. The moved on to "Me and Julio Down by the School Yard," "Kodachrome," "Something So Right," "Loves Me Like a Rock," "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," "Still Crazy After All These Years," and "Late in the Evening." (Ever notice that Paul Simon's songs, more often than not, express the theme of lonliness and isolation? But there's also a glimmer of acceptance and hope.)

By this time over half an hour had gone by and I'd worked up quite a sweat.

Then all of a sudden I hear "Slip Slidin' Away." It was like my soul was on fire. The song reminded me of shattered dreams and I was overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I was literally sobbing during the whole song. I felt such pain and sorrow in my heart. The words spoke to me, like a message from God.

I knew that God orchestrated the whole thing. The computer break down, the selection of Paul Simon, this particular CD, this particular song. He was opening my "ears" to hear his message. The message is that the world is full of people with broken hearts, living in regret and embracing what might have been. But God brings comfort and healing. He is the only One who can.

The song:

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip sliding away

I know a man, he came from my hometown
He wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown
He said, Dolores, I live in fear
My love for you's so overpowering, I'm afraid that I will disappear

I know a woman, became a wife
These are the very words she uses to describe her life
She said a good day ain't got no rain
She said a bad day is when I lie in the bed
And I think of things that might have been

And I know a father who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons for the things he'd done
He came a long way just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and headed home again

God only knows, God makes his plan
The information's unavailable to the mortal man
Were work our jobs, collect our pay
Believe were gliding down the highway, when in fact we're slip sliding away

Baker Lady

Yep. I'm in the baking mood. Been doing it since December getting ready for the holidays. It all started on Thanksgiving when I made a New York cheesecake with dark chocolate cookie crust. My brother loved it...he was surprised I'd made it "from scratch"...he's used to the store-bought cheesecakes.

That's how I broke in my brand spankin' new Kitchen Aid mixer! (Early Christmas present from hubby).

For Christmas I made some ginger pumpkin bread, lemon poppyseed bread, fudge, peanut clusters, peppermint bark and sugar cookies.

For my friends at church I made some sugar cookies shaped like sheep using my Brown Bag cookie molds (these molds are collector's items now; they don't make them anymore. I have two: a sheep and a rabbit).

I also made some birthday cakes for friends and cupcakes for kids at church. I bought a couple of new cookie cook books and made some delicious butter cookies and chocolate cookies for my work colleagues.

For the last few weeks I've been making lemon poppyseed bread and butter cookies for church. I made valentine cookies (heart shaped butter cookies) for my grandkids.

This weekend I'm making oatmeal raisin cookies to share with friends from church.

Inspiration

"Nurture your hopes. Not your fears."
--- Billy Graham"

"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities. An optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties."
--- Harry S. Truman

Bizarro by Don Piraro

Tribute to Langston Hughes

One of my favorite poets, Langston Hughes, was born February 1, 1902, in Joplin, Missouri. Today marks the 107th anniversary of his birth. More than 40 years after his death in 1967, his sublime and powerful works continue to inspire generations of Americans.

See this link for more about Hughes:

http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/83

"I, Too, Sing America"

by Langston Hughes

I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.

Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.

Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--

I, too, am America.

Happy birthday, Wolfgang!

As a child, the only classical music I'd ever heard was in Bugs Bunny and Tom & Jerry cartoons (Rossini's Barber of Seville, Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture, Grieg's Piano Concerto in A minor; first movement) and of course the theme song of "The Lone Ranger" which I later discovered was Rossini's "The William Tell Overture." Rossini must have been pretty popular among the Saturday morning TV crowd.

Even when I taught myself piano and guitar, I wasn't learning classical music, mostly tunes like "Camptown Ladies," "Swing Lo, Sweet Chariot" and "Bill Bailey"...hardly Wolfgang material.

The first time I actually studied "real" music was in 1996 when I finally decided to pursue my life-long dream of taking piano lessons. I was in my 30s and doing recitals with seven-year-olds Yes, it was embarrassing, but I was learing Bach, Beethoven, DeBussey, Chopin and of course, Mozart. I was in heaven.

Needless to say, I really got into classical music. It was a part of the music world I had never known and I wanted to learn everything about it. I was learning to play several of Bach's inventions and preludes, as well as Beethoven sonatas and Chopin etudes. I enjoyed Prokofiev, Schubert, Rachmaninoff, etc. I couldn't get enough. I started a CD collection of classical music and listened to music constantly.

Learning piano and studying classical music inspired me to learn the cello, so I started to take cello lessons, too. Yo-yo Ma was an inspiration. He still is. (He played at Obama's Inauguration! Wow!)

I'm not one to do anything half-heartedly, so I took a music theory class at the local college. It was challenging to say the least. One of our assignments was to compose an original piece of music in the style of Bach. We also had aural training where we learned to hear pitches and listen for intervals. This helped me quite a bit with cello. Unlike the guitar which has frets and you know where to place your fingers to play a chord and notes, the cello is almost totally played by "ear."

During my classical music phase, I attended many concerts and recitals. We saw Barry Douglas when he was on tour playing Beethoven. He was playing all 32 Beethoven sonatas (in different venues) and the five Beethoven piano concertos! I saw him play The Emperor...unbelievable! I've seen such noted pianists as Andres Schiff, Helen Grimaude, Christopher O'Reily, Frederic Chiu Emanuel Ax...and the jazz stylings of Billy Taylor and Ramsey Lewis.

The concert that meant the most to me was in 1998 when we went to Denver to see Yo-Yo Ma play the Dvorak cello concerto with the Colorado Symphony. It was the one of the best days of my life. He received seven curtain calls! I will never forget that night as long as I live. I first fell in love with Yo-Yo when I saw his short films about the Bach cello suites on PBS. I bought all six videos. Here's a link if you want to know more about these wonderful films. But I warn you, if you watch them, you will never look at Bach and his cello suites the same way again. They are a true inspiration, even if you don't know anything about classical music.

Here's an article about Yo-Yo's Bach film project:

http://chronicle.augusta.com/stories/040198/fea_mayo.shtml

Today, I'm still playing the piano. I'm working on Beethoven's "Moonlight" sonata, some Scott Joplin ragtime music, Bach's A-minor two-part invention and Mozart's piano sonata in "C" major...plus Irving Berlin tunes and traditional hymns.

Anyway, back to Mozart. I highly recommend the film "Amadeus"... an amazing movie showcasing the talents of Tom Hulce (as Mozart) and F. Murray Abraham (as Antonio Salieri). Winner of eight Oscars, the film was based on the play by Peter Shaffer. It tells of Salieri's jealousy and hatred of Mozart, and his anger with God for giving this wonderful talent to an unworthy, spoiled brat, when he, Salieri, desired nothing more in the world than to glorify God with music. The film is Salieri's confession to a priest:

SALIERI: My plan was simple. It terrified me. First I must get the death mass and then, I must achieve his death. His funeral! Imagine it, the cathedral, all Vienna sitting there, his coffin, Mozart's little coffin in the middle, and then, in that silence, music! A divine music bursts out over them all. A great mass of death! Requiem mass for Wolfgang Mozart, composed by his devoted friend, Antonio Salieri! Oh what sublimity, what depth, what passion in the music! Salieri has been touched by God at last. And God is forced to listen! Powerless, powerless to stop it! I, for once in the end, laughing at him!

An amazing film. Ya gotta see it!

Here's a link about Mozart if you want to know more about this gifted composer:

http://www.essentialsofmusic.com/composer/mozart.html

Happy birthday, Amadeus!

January Trees

January Trees
a poem by Luana Krause

I arise at dawn and wait for first light. The frost takes my breath away.

Wrapped in a cocoon of cold, I am held captive by the winter trees. During the night they turned white; the Creator using his ethereal impasto technique to create texture and form.

The frost is thick on the branches that reach toward heaven. Majestic sculptures of ice on exhibit in God’s museum for all to see.

Letter to the Editor

My letter to the editor was in the local newspaper this morning. I was responding to the editor's article about summer school. Here's what I wrote:

***
I disagree with the WTE's opinion that LCSD1 should "put more effort" into summer school. As the article stated, the academic gains made by "high income" kids during the summer was due to the involvement of the parents in their children's education. That is the key. Not more school hours. You can't mandate parental involvement.

***
(END QUOTE)

Sometimes I wonder if the American public school system hasn't simply become a babysitter, catering to the needs of working parents rather than actual teaching.

Obama's BlackBerry

Another reason to like President Obama...he's a BlackBerry user, too! I have no idea how I survived life all those years before the invention of the BlackBerry.

You're talking to a genuine, unapologetic CrackBerry. Yep. I absolutely love it!

Just yesterday when I was driving home, listening to NPR reporting on the presiden't agenda for his first day in office, I was thinking: "Barack is Bar-ROCKin' the White House!"

Shame on you guys for trying to take his BlackBerry away!

Check the link:

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/22/obama-gets-a-thumbs-up-for-his-blackberry/

Guitar Hero

The other day I dug out my guitar from the closet and dusted it off. We're going to visit my folks in April and I want to be able to play a few tunes with my dad, whose been practicing his guitar every day since he retired two years ago. He's very good. I'm mediocre at best.

You might say he's my guitar hero. He played the guitar back in the 1960s, but never really had time to practice. Too busy making a living and raising us kids. But now at age 65 he's pursuing his dream. He bought a Yamaha acoustic when he retired and last Christmas my mom bought him an electric guitar. He prefers the electric, but he enjoys playing both.

As for music preferences, he's not into modern music. He likes Chet Atkins, Hank Williams, Johnny Cash...also some classic rock and roll.

My history with the guitar goes back to when I was in high school. I was 16 and bought a cheap thirty-dollar guitar and a book on how to play. I listened to John Denver, Simon and Garfunkle, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell and the Beatles, trying to emulate their styles. A friend of mine had a 12-string that I messed around with. Now that was fun...double strings. Wow!

When I graduated from high school, my parents wanted to get me a graduation gift. They were thinking I'd like a car. My dad's a brilliant auto mechanic and he could easily find the best deal on a used car and the ability to keep it running like a clock. But what I really wanted more than anything was a new guitar. So my dad took me to the music store to pick out a guitar (no pun intended). It was one of the best gifts I've ever received.

Now, 3o-plus years later, I'm still playing the guitar. Several years went by when I didn't play at all. I was focusing on piano, cello and choral singing. But now that Dad is playing, he's inspired me to play, too.

So here I am, playing "Country Roads," "Scarborough Fair" and the theme from "Deliverance." Watch out, Dad, and get ready for dueling guitars.

Norman's New Year's Resolutions

Sheriff Al Chambers here. On December 20, we took Norman Bates into custody for the murder of Marian Crane, Milton Arbogast and several other victims. The newspapers reported the sordid details so I won't go into them here. Suffice it to say that Mr. Bates will not be seeing the light of day for quite some time. Of course we drained the swamp where we discovered the naked body of Marian, wrapped in a shower curtain and stuffed in the trunk of her car. We scoured the house for evidence and questioned everyone even remotely associated with Norman Bates, including his third grade teacher, Mrs. Horrorwits. As far as I was concerned, it was an open and shut case. A few days after his arrest, I went back to the house. I walked down the dark halls, noting the bloodstain at the top of the stairs where Arbogast had died. I even ventured to the basement where the dead mother was found. How could someone as shy and unassuming as Norman Bates be capable of such atrocities? I was just about to leave when I decided to check his bedroom one more time. That’s when I found it. A journal. Blank, except for one entry:

My New Year’s Resolutions:

Stock up on shower curtains, Ginsu knives and Lysol Toilet & Tub Cleaner.

Check expiration date on bottle of strychnine.

Mother’s Day gift: search ebay for Christian Dior gown and Prada shoes.

Accept offer to go on the Jerry Springer Show: “Mama’s Boys Gone Bad.”

Get therapy.

Read “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

Replace motel shower heads with low-flow.

Offer the use of the Bates Motel for the next season of “Survivor.”

Renew membership to the “National Psycho Killer Taxidermists Guild.”

Sell property and take that caretaker job at the Overlook Hotel in Colorado.

***Of course Bates’ journal is secured as evidence for the trial. But one question haunts me, causing restless nights and a profound uneasiness that gnaws away at the doorposts of my soul. What in the world is "ebay"?

My Kids' Book

I'm writing a story for my three youngest grandchildren for their birthdays. They will all be five years old this year. I've decided to make the story into a book, complete with illustrations by yours truly. Unfortunately, I haven't created any serious artwork in years, so it's time to get out the old sketch pad and practice my line drawings.

On Monday I'm meeting with Sophie, my graphic artist friend, so I can pick her brain and see what we can do as far as illustrations go.

I don't have the whole story worked out but it involves a dragon and a cupcake.

Red and Rover by Brian Basset

Dog Whisperer

I discovered this show a couple of weeks ago on the National Geographic Channel. Now we are taping every episode and are totally addicted. Cesar Millan is an absolute miracle worker. I wish I knew about this program when we had our dog Britt. She was a great dog but I always had trouble walking her on the leash.

His theory of Calm Assertive Energy is amazing. Over the years, I've read almost every dog training book ever published and I've never seen anything like what Cesar does. It has to do with the psychological aspects of understanding dog behavior.

He understands that dogs are animals, not people. That's a hard thing to teach dog owners. They treat their dogs like babies or children, giving them human emotions. Cesar's motto is the rehabilitate the dog and train the owners. He says that there's isn't a dog that he can't handle. Even vicious dogs like pit bulls.

He usually solves behavior problems in just an hour or two. Watching this show, I realize that I did quite a few things wrong with Britt. If we ever get another dog, I'll be ready.

Bizarro by Don Piraro

Weekend Interlude

What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

The same middle name.

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Why does Scrooge love all the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santalope.

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet.

Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snow balls.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles.

What happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy.

Christmas Movies

Well, it's about time for the family tradition of watching "It's a Wonderful Life"...my all-time favorite Christmas movie. George Bailey is my hero. My favorite scene is at the end when the townsfolk gather to help George, and his brother Harry makes a toast: "To my brother, George. The richest man in town."



Other faves: "Miracle on 34th Street"... Susan and her sceptical mother believe in Santa Claus. Best line in the movie is by the District Attorney: "The State of New York concedes that Santa Claus exists."



"A Christmas Carol" ... Patrick Stewart is my favorite Scrooge.



"A Christmas Story"...Ralphie obsesses over the Red Ryder BB Gun, but Mom warns, "It'll put your eye out."



"The Homecoming"...a Walton's Christmas; John Boy gets a stack of Big Chief tablets for Christmas. Write on, John Boy!



And of course Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without "Charlie Brown Christmas," "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman."



Call me corny, but I'm a huge fan of the Christmas movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels: "The Christmas Shoes," "Noel," "Secret Santa," "The Timepiece," "Holiday Affair," "The Christmas Gift," etc.


Question of the day: Why can't real life be like the movies? Sigh.

Double Indemnity

This month in my movie column I spoof "Double Indemnity," starring Fred MacMurray as Walter Neff, insurance salesman; Barbara Stanwyck as Phyllis Dietrichson, the femme fatale; and Edward G. Robinson as Barton Keyes, Neff's cigar-smoking boss and expert in the insurance game.

In honor of Christmas, I wrote a parody of Clement Clarke Moore's poem 'Twas the Night Before Christmas" and told Neff's story. I call it "Double Indemnity: Twas the Night Before Murder."

'Twas the night before murder; I entered the house.
Phyllis Dietrichson lived there; her spouse was a louse.

I noticed her anklet and started to drool,
I knew she was trouble, I wasn't a fool.

"You move pretty fast, Mr. Neff," she opined,
"How fast was I going?" I asked, then she chimed:

"Ninety miles an hour, you'd better slow down."
"Give me a ticket and I'll get out of town."

"Suppose I let you off with a warning," she joked.
"Suppose it doesn't take, baby, " I choked.

"Suppose I whack you over the knuckles," said she.
"Suppose I bust out crying." This game was quite creepy.

But we kept it going as long as we could.
She knew I was trapped, and that wasn't good.

"Oh, Walter," she said, as she poured the ice tea.
"Insurance I need, double indemnity."

To read the rest of the story go to www.nightsandweekends.com then click Dial M for Movies under Columns.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Weekend Interlude

What do you get when you eat a BlackBerry?

Bluetooth.

-- From "Berryman" at www.crackberry.com

"Mutts" by Patrick McDonnell

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You're the Employee of the Month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.

Cocaine is a downer.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

Weekend Interlude

Boycott shampoo. Demand the REAL poo!

Barack the Vote

I kid you not, I didn't decide who I was going to vote for until I was staring at the electronic voting pad in the voting booth. I chose Obama. Weighing the pros and cons, everything pointed in Obama's favor. I do not regret my decision.

This is the first time in my voting life that I have voted for a Democrat. Whadda ya know! The first time I ever voted was in 1980. I registered as an Independent and voted for John Anderson. After that, it was pretty much Republican all the way. Until this year. Obama was right...it's all about change. I want change. I'm ready for a new America and a new start.

My prayers are with President (elect) Obama and his family.

Voting for McBama

The day before the election, I want to state my prediction on the outcome of the presidential race. Obama will win. No surprises. He will win because of the youth vote and because people are disappointed (to say the least) in the current administration, which happens to be Republican. They will also vote for Obama because they believe he exudes hope and change...which we desperately need.



McCain might have had a fighting chance if he had chosen a different running mate. His choice of Sarah Palin was his downfall. I lost all respect for his ability to make good decisions. And I think many Americans agree with me. Kathleen Parker was right...Sarah Palin should have stepped down. But even if she had, it would have been too late. The choice of Palin in the first place was McCain's biggest mistake in the election.



(Parker's article):



http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=MDZiMDhjYTU1NmI5Y2MwZjg2MWNiMWMyYTUxZDkwNTE=#more



Personally, I was pro-Obama for several months. I was mesmerized by his speeches. He was, and is, inspiring and brings out the best in our natures. I admire his idealism and optimism for America.



After the primaries, when Obama defeated Hillary and the race was between McCain and Obama, I was undecided. I've been a fan of John McCain since 2000 when he ran against GW Bush in the primary. I admire McCain's courage and respect his military service to our country. I think he's better qualified in terms of foreign policy and the war in Iraq.



I respectfully admire both McCain and Obama. Either one would be a good president. Even now, hours before the election, I'm still "undecided" in many ways. I'm not happy with Obama's economic plan and his stance on Iraq. I'm also nervous about his inexperience in foreign policy. On the other hand, I'm very pleased with his choice for VP and Colin Powell's endorsement nudged me even closer to voting for Obama. I think Obama would be an excellent representative of America in the world and would gain the respect we seem to have lost in the last few years.



As for McCain, I am not happy with his VP choice. I do not want this woman one heart beat away from the presidency. This is the PRIMARY reason I hesitate to vote for McCain. In addition, I don't think he can move the country in a new direction. He's been a senator for decades and not much has changed. His age is also a drawback; he is from the Old School of politics, while Obama represents a younger, more vital world view.



Issues aside, I like the idea of a black president. I like the idea of a family with young children living in the White House. Michelle Obama is brilliant and beautiful.



The "Joe the Plumber" incident really opened my eyes in terms of Obama's economic plan...sharing the wealth, etc. I don't believe that is the way to go. I'm a staunch capitalist. I'm also concerned about Obama's notorious co-horts, Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers. Something else to think about.



So who will I vote for tomorrow? I'll let you know.

Chester's Way

My granddaughter Lily will be celebrating her fourth birthday on November 26. Since we live many miles away, I won't be able to see her and share in her dinosaur party. HOWEVER, I do have a terrific idea for a birthday gift. I'm going to have hubby make a video of me reading her a story book. How cool is that?

The book I've chosen is "Chester's Way" by Kevin Henkes. The illustrations are delightful and the story is full of imagination and fun. There's even a character named Lilly! Spelled differently than my little lamb, but I think she'll get a kick out of it.

As a lover of children's literature, I think this ranks as one of the best story books for young children.

Weekend Interlude

A day without sunshine is like, night.

It's all about the candy

I love Halloween. It's the only time of the year when I can dress up in a costume in public. This will be my first Halloween at my new job. I work in an office and it looks like the holiday is celebrated with much fanfare. There will be a Halloween party during office hours which includes a pumpkin carving contest, a costume contest, food and fun. The party room is decorated with bats, spiders, cobwebs, jack-o-lanterns, witches, skulls, skeletons, ghosts, etc.

I will wear my conservative office witch costume: pumpkin-colored mock turtleneck, black pants, black cape and orange & black striped witch hat. In past Halloweens I've been Harpo Marx, a gypsy, a pirate...and a clown. I don't know about you, but clowns are really creepy. My vote for the scariest clown in the history of the world is Ronald McDonald. (Shiver!)

As for the home front, I give out candy to the kids. My preference is anything with chocolate. This year it's Kit Kats and Snickers. Today I went on a baking binge and made some chocolate cookies. Martha Stewart's recipe and very tasty. Tonight at our singing group, one of the ladies brought special treats: Halloween cupcakes with various "objects" stuck in the icing...eyeballs, spiders, bats, a green hand reaching out from the grave. I chose one of the eyeball cupcakes...it was chocolate. Enough said.

Iron Man

I'm one of those fortunate people to have a good friend who likes the same kinds of films I do. She recommends films for me to watch and vise versa. I've never once been disappointed.



I admit that I'm a fan of superhero movies, but I'm selective. Superman, Batman and Spider-Man...YES! Hulk, Hellboy, Hancock...not too crazy about.



At her suggestion, I just finished watching "Iron Man." I didn't know anything about it; I've never read the Iron Man story so my imagination was wide open for whatever Hollywood could throw my way.



My first spine-tingling thrill was realizing that Robert Downey Jr. starred in the movie. I did a double take. WHAT!? I've been a fan of RDJ for years. Loved him best in "Only You" with Marissa Tomei (who wouldn't?) Now he's a SUPERHERO? You've got to be kidding.



His character, Tony Stark, is a wealthy ego-maniac who just happens to be a brilliant scientist. Yes, they're a dime dozen.



I was also pleased that Jeff Bridges was in the movie. Another fave of mine. Loved him best in "The Fabulous Baker Boys" and his hilarious supporting role in "The Muse" with Albert Brooks who just happens to be the funniest man on earth.



I was surprised that Jeff was the bad guy. I hate it when he's the bad guy. Sigh. And why on earth was he BALD?! The bald wig was a big mistake. Looks great on Mike Meyers, but Jeff looked like Daddy Warbucks with a goatee.



Best scenes:



RDJ in the cave in Afghanistan creating the Iron Man prototype.



RDJ in his laboratory testing the new Iron Man prototype.



RDJ dancing with Gwenyth Paltrow.



GROSSEST SCENE: RDJ pulling that wire out of his nose. To tell the truth, I didn't even see it all the way through...had to close my eyes and peek through my fingers.



First Runner Up for GROSSEST SCENE: Gwenyth pulling the chest power plug out of RDJ's chest and replacing it with the new and improved one.



Most Satisfying Moment: RDJ is just about to die because Jeff stole his chest power plug. RDJ crawls to his lab to get the spare and can't reach it. He collapses and his robotic arm machine, sensing his need, gives it to him. The robot thingy should be nominated for best supporting actor.

Naturally, the theme song at the end was none other than Black Sabbath's "Iron Man."

In conclusion, I rank this one of the best superhero movies of all time.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease:

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."

Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.

Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.

She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.

Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.

Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.

Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!

Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar."

Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.

Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.

You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

Political Humor

Okay, I'm reading the op-ed section of the newspaper this morning and came across an article by Doug Hecox, a Wyomingite who just happens to live in Washington, D.C. and is also a comedian.


The article riffed on the VP debate that was held last Thursday between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. Like me, Hecox is an undecided voter. The debate didn't sway his vote, nor mine. Although I'm leaning more toward Obama.

Anyway, back to the article. Here's an excerpt:

Literally, anything can happen with a McCain/Palin administration. For example, on January 20, Mr. McCain could become president. The next day, he would bomb Hanoi for obvious reasons and, hours later, he would likely be impeached--leaving Mrs. Palin as America's new president.

Here's a link to Hecox's website:

www.dougfun.com

"Mutts" by Patrick McDonnell

Ain't it the truth!

The Difference Between Sarah Palin and Gloria Steinem:

Lipstick.

And so much more.

"Kevin & Kell" by Bill Holbrook

O, Nanny, where art thou?

Okay, so I'm checking out the New York Times on the web and come across an article by Eric Konigsberg called "Let's Face It, This Isn't a Job for Supernanny." Needless to say, I was intrigued.

Check out the link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/28/nyregion/28nanny.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

There's something about nanny's. They are very cool. I guess they have to be to deal with various and sundry situations involving bubblegum, poison oak and Flintstone band aids. (Am I talking about nannies or Erma Bombeck?)

In my experience as a middle-class Rocky Mountain denizen, the only official "nanny" I'd ever heard of was Mary Poppins. She had a lovely British accent, a clean, stalwart Nanny uniform, and an amazing soprano that could reach high "C."

As a teen, I didn't enjoy babysitting. Not. One. Bit. But that didn't stop my parents from setting me up to babysit their friends kids so they could all go out. I dug in my heels and refused. And it wasn't about the money. I just didn't like babysitting. Period.

I suppose I could have pretended I was a nanny, like Julie Andrews. Sing to the kids about raindrops and roses and whiskers on kittens. Give them spoonfuls of sugar and watch them bounce off the walls. Sew clothes for them out of draperies. No, I don't think so. The chaos would be my undoing. I'd be tempted to pop open my magic umbrella and escape into a Magritte painting.

Everybody Likes It Hot

“Nobody’s perfect.” Maybe Osgood Fielding III had it right. Or maybe not. When it comes to “Some Like It Hot,” that clichéd platitude just doesn’t hold water. Directed by Billy Wilder and starring Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon and Marilyn Monroe, this 1959 film is a perfect example of a genre-buster. There’s something for everyone.

The story: Chicago, 1929. Joe (Curtis) and Jerry (Lemmon), two down-on-their luck musicians, witness the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and find themselves on the run. They elude Spats Colombo and his mob by skipping town disguised as women in an all-girl band. That’s right, folks. Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon in drag! ZOWIE!

So what kind of movie is “Some Like It Hot”? A comedy, of course. But more than a comedy. Much more.

It’s a Buddy Film: Joe (aka Josephine) and Jerry (aka Daphne) are best friends. They even share the same blood type (type “O”). But when the omelet hits the fan, they change from guys to gals faster than you can say “Pass the lipstick.”

It’s a Musical: Monroe as Sugar Kane “boop boopy doo’s” herself into Joe’s heart while Jerry and Osgood dance a sizzling tango with such elegance that they make Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers look like a couple of chimpanzees on roller skates.

It’s an Action Movie: Car chases, machine guns and a birthday cake. Danger lurks around every corner as men in skirts and high heels run for their lives on slick linoleum.

It’s a Romance: Flowers, diamond bracelets, booze. Love is in the air. Joe loves Sugar…Sugar loves Junior…Osgood loves Daphne…the bell boy loves Josephine…Spats loves buttermilk.

It’s an Art Film: Shot in black-and-white, it’s a hard-hitting social commentary about the politics of Prohibition, trans-gender issues and the universal truth that blondes really do have more fun.

It’s a Family Movie: Okay, maybe not.

It’s a Drama: Just try to hold back your tears when Sugar tells about her obsession with saxophone players and how she’s always getting the fuzzy end of the lollypop. Not to mention the squeezed-out tube of toothpaste.

It’s a Suspense: Does Jerry’s wig fall off while swimming with the girls? Will too much Sugar put Joe in a diabetic coma? And what’s the significance of the bicycle? Is it derivative of “Citizen Kane” and the mysterious “rosebud”?

Perhaps the genre that best describes “Some Like It Hot” is the Chick Flick. Sig at the talent agency summed it up nicely: “Ya gotta be under 25…ya gotta be blonde…and ya gotta be girls.” SNAP!

There’s Sweet Sue, the hard-nosed career woman who rules her all-girl band, the Society Syncopaters, with a rod of iron…Hillary Clinton of the Jazz Age. On the other side of the spectrum is Sugar, the voluptuous ukulele player who wants to marry a millionaire. Men go ga-ga over her despite the fact that she is so NOT a size four.

One of the fun things about chick flicks is watching the fashions. You won’t be disappointed. Joe’s adorable faux fur collar is to die for, and Jerry’s chic evening gown will make you downright jealous. And while it’s true that Joe has sexier legs, Jerry’s hair style is way cuter.

But it gets better. As women, Joe and Jerry have no trouble attracting the opposite sex (uh…meaning men, not women…I think). Joe is pursued by the bell boy, while Jerry catches the eye of Osgood, who even proposes marriage! If Joe and Jerry can snag a guy, there’s hope for single ladies…and gents…everywhere.

In this movie appearances can be deceiving. Women are men. Men are women. Seams are straight. But one thing is certain. Everybody likes it hot.

Fat Cat

Introducing Princess Chunk, a 44-pound cat found waddling around New Jersey. She is in the care of a local animal shelter and is awaiting adoption. One can only hope she gets on the Jenny Craig Program asap.

Standing in Line at the Movies

MOM: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. NO MILK DUDS!

LITTLE BOY: You said I could have whatever I wanted. I want Milk Duds.

MOM: They stick to your teeth. You can have Skittles.

LITTLE BOY: I hate Skittles.

MOM: Then how about Butterfinger?

LITTLE BOY: No.

MOM: Okay, forget it! You get nothing, do you hear me? NOTHING!

LITTLE BOY: You're mean!

MOM: We're going home!

LITTLE BOY: Okay, I'll take the Skittles.

*****

MAN: This movie got great reviews. Two thumbs up.

WOMAN: That’s funny. I read that it was a real snooze fest.

*****

TEEN GIRL ONE: Josh is going to meet us in the balcony.

TEEN GIRL TWO: Omigod! You’re mom is gonna kill you.

TEEN GIRL ONE: Not if she doesn’t find out.

*****

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN ONE: I don’t care what they say. The Musical is not dead. Explain “Chicago,” “High School Musical,” “Hairspray.”

MIDDLE AGE WOMAN TWO: I can’t. But don’t tell me John Travolta in drag is a box office draw.

*****

BOY ONE: I’ve seen this movie six times.

BOY TWO: Don’t tell me how it ends.

BOY ONE: The guy dies.

BOY TWO: Shut Up!

*****

OLD MAN: Twenty dollars for popcorn and soda. What’s the world coming to?

OLD WOMAN: Nobody said you had to buy snacks.

OLD MAN: Are you crazy? You can’t go to the movies without popcorn. It’s sacrilegious.

OLD WOMAN: Well, at least we got the senior discount.

The Elevator

Jerry Milligan entered the vacant elevator and pushed the “down” button as the doors swooshed shut. Thank God it was empty. He wasn’t in the mood for chitchat. Especially today.

His meeting with Vincenzo hadn’t gone well. Jerry had borrowed some money from Mr. “V” to pay off a gambling debt. Four thousand dollars to be exact. “Borrowed” wasn’t really the right word…it was more of a “loan.” A loan with strings attached.

Jerry figured he could pay it back after Saturday’s horse race. He had gotten a tip that Placebo’s Dream was a shoo-in to place in the third. Well, Placebo’s Dream became Jerry’s nightmare. The horse didn’t keep up his end of the bargain and now Jerry had to ask Vincenzo for more time.

Alone in the elevator, Jerry recalled what had transpired just moments before in Vincenzo’s suite on the 19th floor. As Jerry offered his explanation in a calm, albeit panic-stricken manner, Vincenzo sat quietly in an oversized plush chair, his fat round belly extended to his knees. A Buddha statue in an Armani suit. Cigar smoke swirled around his head and his beady snake-eyes never blinked.

Vincenzo’s silence made Jerry even more nervous and he just kept rambling. Finally, the fat man spoke. “Good day, Mr. Milligan. You may leave now.”Jerry started to speak again, but changed his mind as Vincenzo pointed toward the door with a stubby, ruby-ringed finger. He left the room in a hurry and figured he was getting off easy. If Vincenzo was going to kill him, he wouldn’t have let him go, right? He would have called in one of his goons to escort him into another room where they would “discuss” the situation. A friendly little meeting that might involve brass knuckles, a blowtorch, blenders, bullets, boards, bed knobs, broomsticks … or any number of torture devises that begin with the letter “B” and end with Jerry bleeding all over his Birkenstocks.

Jerry had vowed to quit gambling over and over again, but every attempt had failed. The longest he had gone without playing the horses was six weeks … the worst six weeks in his life. He couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He got headaches and night sweats. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore and went to the track. Standing at the betting window and sliding his cash to the clerk, he salivated like a beagle in a meat market. That was when he realized the truth about himself … he was a compulsive gambler, and he always would be.

Consequently, his gaming lifestyle put him the company of some pretty shady characters. Guys like Vincenzo who hung around casinos and racetracks, using their “patsy” radar to zero in on poor suckers who lost all their dough and needed some quick cash for a sure thing. Jerry didn’t like dealing with those bums. But two weeks ago, he had run into some bad luck at the track and Vincenzo was more than happy to help out.

Jerry’s worrisome thoughts were interrupted as the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. A man walked in wearing a black suit, his long hair tied in a ponytail. He was well over six feet tall and looked like he could lift a Buick with one hand and not even break a sweat. Jerry caught a glimpse of a gold front tooth as the man glanced his way.

The man positioned himself in the middle of the elevator, arms folded, looking at the numbers above the door. Jerry retreated to the corner. The only sound was Jerry’s raspy breathing and the muffled swoosh as the elevator made its descent. The piercing sound of a cell phone shattered the silence. Mr. Ponytail flipped open the phone and spoke with a pronounced lisp: “Yeah...I’ll take care of it, bosth…don’t worry…I’m on my way.”

Jerry tried to keep from wetting his pants. This was Vincenzo’s goon sent to give him the “business.” But did he know that Jerry was in the elevator just an arm’s length away? Mr. Ponytail seemed oblivious. Of course, he could just be pretending, acting like everything was kosher. And then when they got outside…a shiny black sedan and a couple of gorillas ready to shove him into the backseat for a ride “downtown.”

But maybe the man didn’t know it was Jerry. Maybe Vincenzo gave orders to nab Jerry at his apartment. Yeah, that had to be it. Hope flinched in Jerry’s gut as he planned his escape. As soon as the doors opened, he’d make a run for it. He figured he could out-run the goon, if it came to that. But what if Mr. Ponytail pulled a gun and started shooting?

Jerry couldn’t think that far ahead. He had to get out of here! His eyes focused on the doors and sweat broke out on his forehead. His tongue swirled around his dry lips in anticipation. Suddenly, the elevator lurched to a complete stop, slamming Jerry and the man against the rear wall. The lights near the doors lit up like the control panel in a nuclear power plant at melt down. Jerry’s fingers shook as he randomly pushed the buttons, but nothing happened.

Jerry looked at the man and stammered, “I…I think the elevator is stuck!”

“Don’t worry, Misther Milligan,” the man replied. “You’ll be on your way down in no time.” He smiled at Jerry and his gold tooth glimmered in the fluorescent light.

The Other Coast by Adrian Raeside

"Take Your Dog to Work" Day

Yes, it's official. June 20 is "Take Your Dog to Work" Day. For those of you planning to participate in this exciting event, I offer a few "pointers" (pun intended) to make it a pleasant day for all:

1) Before taking your dog to work give him a nice bath. And please, don't torture the dog with soap and water...let him swim in pond scum. Dogs love to splash around in algae and plankton. Be sure that your dog is still a bit wet when he gets to the office. The scent of wet dog always gets a reaction. In fact, Calvin Klein is creating a new perfume inspired by this potent, organic aroma.

2) Be sure to introduce your dog to all your coworkers. Especially those who are allergic to dogs. Of course, they may run down the hall panting for breath with their tails between their legs (the coworkers, not the dogs), but don't let that deter you. Deep down inside, these people love dogs. It's for their own good. Remember the adage: "That which kills us only makes us stronger."

3) While at the office, your dog may get a sudden urge to gnaw something. Don't bring a chew toy from home. Let the dog explore the office and find his own chew toy: the only existing copy of the 30-page marketing report that Sally worked on all weekend...the computer cables in IT...Harvey's brand new $500 Italian leather briefcase.

4) Of course your dog may have to "piddle or poop" while at the office. Responsible dog owners always clean up after their pets. Have a supply of plastic bags handy. Scoop up the "droppings" and discard them in the garbage bin in the break room. When your coworkers take their coffee break, they can't help but smell the offensive fumes, thus ruining their appetite for donuts and helping them to lose weight. They'll thank you for it.

5) Allow your dog the freedom to follow his natural instincts: barking, jumping, running, scratching, licking, crotch-sniffing. Don't worry about offending your coworkers. Many people who work in offices practice these behaviors as well. Photographs taken at the last office Christmas party attest to the fact.

6) Remember, just because your dog is at the workplace doesn't mean that there will be less productivity. To avoid encounters with your dog, your coworkers may choose to lock themselves in their offices, refusing to come out until quitting time. The result? Your boss will encourage more "Take Your Dog to Work" days.

Metamorphosis

It had to happen sooner or later. It was only a matter of time. Unfortunately, poor old Marvin was the hapless victim. People looked up in the sky, shook their fists and shouted, “Why Marvin? He never hurt a fly!” There was no answer. And there never would be.

Marvin Gardner was a 64-year-old banker, who always wore a gray felt fedora, even though they had been out of style for thirty years. In fact, his entire wardrobe was acquired from a second-hand store that sold “authentic” clothing from the 1950s.

As was his custom, he arrived at DaVinci’s Deli on 63rd Street in Chicago promptly at 1 p.m. He’d eaten lunch at DaVinci’s every day for the past 24 years and he always ordered the same thing: corned beef on pumpernickel and a cup of black coffee. He sat in his favorite spot at a table near the window where he liked to watch people pass by. Rich ladies in their mink coats. Winos begging for coins. Punks with purple hair and safety pins in their noses.

But that afternoon something unusual happened. Something totally unexpected. Something that parents would tell their children about for generations to come. Something unprecedented since the dawn of time.

On November 16, 1984, at 1:13 p.m at DaVinci’s Deli, while eating his corned beef on pumpernickel, Marvin Gardner transformed into an ape.

Thick, coarse hair started to grow on his hands and face. He began to slouch and his visage favored King Kong’s younger brother. His first clue that something was amiss was the looks on the faces of the other patrons in the deli. Looks of fear and confusion. Looks of surprise and dread. Marvin tapped the shoulder of a woman who was seated at the next table to inquire what was wrong. She looked at Marvin and ran shrieking from the deli.

At that signal, everyone screamed and dashed out the door as fast as they could, occasionally looking back at Marvin in utmost terror.

Marvin suspected that he was the cause of the chaos. As he reached up to adjust his glasses, he noticed his hairy hands. Panic-stricken, he charged into the men’s room to investigate. Staring wide-eyed into the mirror, he discovered to his horror that he, indeed, had become an ape.

He took off his clothes and examined his body. He was ape all over. It took a while for Marvin to recover from the shock. How did this happen? What could it mean? How would he function day to day? What would his friends and family think? Should he go to a hospital? What kind of warped disease was this? Was it even a disease? Who ever heard of a man turning into an ape? Would he gain celebrity status and become rich and famous? But what good is money and fame if you’re an ape? And what about his sex life?

Marvin was going through a terrible time thinking about his future as a primate. They could send him to a zoo. Perform experiments on him. Quarantine him for fear that he might contaminate others. They could even kill him.

These thoughts raced through Marvin’s mind, rendering him incapable of action. Every few minutes DaVinci, the deli owner, would peek into the men’s room to get a look at Marvin, and then quickly shut the door when Marvin made eye contact. Marvin grew more and more uneasy. He knew he couldn’t spend the rest of his life in the men’s room at DaVinci’s Deli. But he was afraid to leave. He feared the humiliation of exposing himself to the public. The leering glances. The questioning eyes.

When he finally summoned the courage to open the door and walk out, he saw that the deli was empty. But not for long. The cops stormed the deli and soon reporters arrived with their cameras and microphones. Outside, crowds of people pushed and shoved to get a better look at Marvin … a 224-pound gorilla in a sixty-dollar suit.

So it was that man became ape. The significance of this phenomenon was unsurpassed in human history. Marvin was soon caught up in a frenzied media blitz. His face was plastered on the cover of newspapers and magazines. He was featured on “Sixty Minutes,” and even made a guest appearance on “Cheers.” Writers bombarded him with offers to publish his story. He was probed and analyzed under the cynical eyes of doctors and scientists. There was no explanation. The greatest minds in the world could not comprehend how a man could metamorphose into an ape. Marvin was an enigma.

Immediately after the event, authorities closed down DaVinci’s Deli. It was thought that the food caused this freakish transformation and DaVinci was losing money. But savvy businessman that he was, he turned the deli into a tourist attraction and grew rich. Everyone wanted to see the place where Marvin Gardner went ape.

Marvin longed for the good old days when he could walk down the street unnoticed. How he wished he could sit at his favorite table at DaVinci’s and eat his corned beef on pumpernickel. But it was not to be. Marvin was an ape and there was nothing he could do about it.

Marvin’s metamorphosis caused a dramatic change in his way of life. He used to read the newspaper in the morning while sipping his coffee; now he just wanted to swing from the branches of the sycamore in the front yard. He used to listen to Bach and Mozart on his stereo; now he could amuse himself for hours playing with a jack-in-the-box.

Marvin’s future was uncertain. Scientists wanted to keep him in their laboratories for observation. Hollywood offered him a movie deal. Barnum & Bailey insisted he become their main attraction. None of these options appealed to Marvin. He needed solitude and a place where he could reflect on his predicament. When animal rights activists suggested that he be sent to a pristine rainforest where he could live out the rest of his years in his natural habitat, Marvin agreed wholeheartedly. He was on a plane to Brazil before he could say “monkey’s uncle.”

Months passed. Marvin enjoyed the jungle. Squawking parrots in their colorful plumage. Lazy anacondas basking in the sun. Stealthy jaguars prowling the forest. He liked sitting in a high branch of his favorite tree where he could watch the action while he ate a banana.

And to Marvin’s delight, his banana always tasted like corned beef on pumpernickel.

Free Range by Bill Whitehead

Bubblegum Voodoo

I'm one of those people who likes to dabble in bubblegum voodoo. That's what I call popular cultural trends that determine your personality traits and life path. The word "voodoo" refers to mysticism and magical thinking, while "bubblegum" connotes childlike innocence and not taking things too seriously. Bubblegum voodoo is pink. Bubblegum voodoo is gooey. And before its approval by the FDA, bubblegum voodoo caused mad cow disease in laboratory rats.

One of the most well-known aspects of bubblegum voodoo is astrology, inspiring the famous pick-up line "What's your sign?" I'm a Taurus, which, according to the charts, proclaims that I'm a stubborn, bull-headed rose-sniffer who overeats and listens to Mozart.

Despite my affinity for flowers and Wolfgang, I wasn't too happy with this analysis, so I found out what the Chinese have to say. According to the Chinese Zodiac, I was born in the Year of the Rooster, which means I like to primp in front of mirrors, go shopping and tell everyone else what to do with their lives. That's more like it.

I also get a kick out of those personality quizzes in magazines and online. There's something intriguing about answering a few multiple choice questions and discovering that because you prefer mashed potatoes over French fries, you're a fiery extrovert with anal tendencies who would do equally well as a blackjack dealer or a marine biologist.

A few years back, color analysis was the big thing. To succeed in life you needed to know which "season" you were: Spring, Summer, Autumn, or Winter. According to the experts, each person looked best in the colors that matched his or her skin tone and hair. As a "Winter," my colors were, among others, red, white and blue. I couldn't wear an orange pant suit, but drape me in an American flag and I was good to go.

And let's not forget numerology. This ancient art determines your Life Path by assigning you a number between one and nine. By calculating the numbers in my birthday, I learned that I am a nine. This means I'm generous, artistic, passionate and spiritual. Cool. But it also means that I have the managerial skills of a cockroach.

As a psych major, I studied handwriting analysis. Loopy letters meant the writer was friendly and creative. Angular letters depicted someone who was methodical and exacting. My handwriting varied between perfect penmanship and psychotic scribbling. To this day I'm still trying to figure out whether I'm more like Martha Stewart or Britney Spears.

"To sleep, perchance to dream." The first time I read a book on dream analysis I was hooked. The interpretations were so correct it was eerie. My dream of a polar bear storming through my kitchen looking for scrambled eggs obviously meant that my purchase of plaid Bermuda shorts was a huge mistake. You better believe I took them back the next day for a full refund!

And just when you thought a coffee table was just a coffee table, along comes Feng Shui. Who would have guessed that the arrangement of the furniture in your home effects your success and well-being? According to followers of Feng Shui, your front door is the portal of positive energy, also known as "chi." The chi must be allowed to flow around your home unhindered. Mirrors will deflect the chi. A heavy sofa will stop the chi. A chipped plate will anger the chi. Best advice: hang wind chimes to soothe the chi. Afterward, make the chi a cup of hot cocoa and tell it a bedtime story.

Don't worry, the chi is polite. It won't stick its bubblegum on the bedpost before it goes to sleep.

The Sloop John B

I should have known there would be trouble when I opened that birthday card from my grandfather. It had a picture of a sailboat on the front and inside were two round-trip tickets to the Bahamas. Nassau, to be exact.

“That’s right, boy. We’re going sailing. Just you and me.”

“Wow, Gramps, this is really a…surprise.”

He took a swig of his Michelob, which dripped down the gray stubble of his chin onto the front of his stained Hawaiian shirt.

“You’re twenty-one years old and it’s time to party! And what better place to raise hell?”

When we got to Nassau, we didn’t stay in a hotel. Gramps had chartered a sailboat called the Sloop John B. I was surprised to see that the crew were not native islanders, but Americans. Weird hippie-types in their 60s, like Gramps. In fact, Gramps told me they were buddies of his from “back in the day.” These guys lived in the Bahamas and made their living taking tourists on sightseeing trips around the islands.

I have to admit, those dudes looked scary. They all wore stained Hawaiian shirts like Gramps and spent most of the day passed out on the deck or walking around in a drunken stupor. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I was in a Dennis Hopper version of “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

The first night we made port on one of the islands and went to a local tavern. I had more than a few beers and started feeling loopy, but Gramps and the crew were drinking tequila. The next thing I knew, some humongous dude with a skull-and-crossbones tattoo started arguing with Cheech, the first mate. Soon everybody in the place was fighting, just like in the movies. I ducked as a bottle of beer barely missed my head. This was not my idea of a fun vacation.

The only guy I got along with was the cook. They called him the Egg Man. His specialty was corn and grits, which weren’t bad. But one day he sort of went crazy. I was eating breakfast and suddenly he grabbed my plate and dumped the grits into the garbage. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he ate all of my corn. I couldn’t believe it.

“Egg Man, what are you doing?”

He ignored me and stumbled over to the side of the boat where he barfed into the ocean. That’s it. I was ready to go home.

I found Gramps playing poker with some of the crew.

“Gramps, I’d really like to go home now.”

“Sure thing,” he slurred. “But we have a little problem. Sheriff John Stone took Cheech to the jailhouse.”

“What happened?”

“He broke into the captain’s trunk and stole his tiki doll.”

Cheech was released the next day and we set sail back to Nassau. I was so glad when Gramps and I finally got on the plane for home. This was the worst trip I’d ever been on.

THE END